Canning jokes

I was listening to my children praying, and my youngest that can speak said to me: "Mama, why is Gramma dead?"

I smiled and told her, "Well, less than 10 years ago when I was 5, your age, my Momma took me into the basement with some hot rando during a party. And 9 months later Shinana was born. One Pedo after another and your 4 siblings were born. The Pedo I met last night told me, 'If your mother's the one making you do this, do what you do best.' I listened and the next day she didn't leave her bed breathing. When the Pedo found out he left me and your soon to be brother."

She replies with, "Make his child support expensive!" Now he has to pay me 2,000 U.S. dollars every month, like the other ones that ran away.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

The hooker can wash out her crack and reuse it.

Superman was flying one day when he saw Wonder Woman laying by the pool completely naked. He thought, "I can fuck her so fast she wouldn't even know what happened." So he then flew down to the pool and did fuck her.

Wonder Woman stood up and said, "What was that?" The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my asshole stinks!"

Why does Adam sleep early so his mum and stepdad can fuck on his bed?

How can you tell when a female was raped? She crossed herself out.

What do you call an opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.

African Kid: "Mom, can we have water?"

Mom: "Sure, it's in the house."

African Kid: *Goes to the fridge and opens the door searching for cold water*

The fridge: ERROR 404 Water Not Found

So when my parents say no to "isms," I say, "Can I be homophobic?"

Why do you have to wipe yourself with toilet paper? Because bugs can crawl, eat your poop, and drink your pee!

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

The prostitute can wash her “crack” and sell it again.

Can you believe they're still together after everything they've been through?

Who you might ask...

YOUR ASS CHEEKS!

My friend talking to fat boi: "I can order you at McDonald's: Double Big Mac, triple quarter pounder cheeseburger."

What do you call a Jedi that can use the force to fly?

A Jedi Flight.

Sister, can I see your two big rabbits?

How can you tell an Asian guy is awake?

You can never tell.

I'll pat-your-breasts, pat-your-breasts, cos I'm a baker's man, and you bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I'll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", and then put you in the oven for the bitch and me!

What can you tell [is] the difference between Stephen Hawking and a carrot?

Nothing.

How do you know when German people break into your house? When you can not find your bed.

What do you call a school bus driver that cannot walk? A silly school bus driver!

What is the difference between a house and a car? A car can drive and a house can not drive.