What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?
A boner.
I sold my vacuum the other day.
All I got was dust and my mom's wig.
What's black, white, and red all over?
A nun in a blender.
What’s the difference between a microwave and a 10 year old girl?
The microwave doesn’t fart out blood and diarrhea when you pull your meat out.
What is the difference between a woman and my fridge?
Only one moans when I put my meat in it.
"I put the tin foil in the microwave, ma!"
Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.
I made a joke about putting babies in the microwave and got told I was a disgusting person.
So from now on I’ll only make baby in the deep fryer jokes.
What’s the best part about putting a baby in a blender feet first?
Watching their expression change.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine! Lol.
The Toaster: The best bath bomb!
What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."
What is red and tan and spins for about 50 mph?
A baby in a blender.
I called my mom on Alexa, and she told me, "Please take out the trash." I said, "But I can't, you're not here."
I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.
What's the difference between an asshole and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
What did the blender say to the orange juice?
"What the fuck are you, you are so fucking stupid, shut the fuck up."
What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and a refrigerator?
The fridge actually runs.
What did Pavol Demitra think before the Yaroslavl plane hit the ground?
"Oh shit, did I leave the stove on at home?"
Here's a Song That Describes My Old Life-By-watersharky Productions-
My buddies think I'm on the lake.
Boss thinks I've been sick for days.
And mama's probably on her way
'Cause I ain't picked up the phone.
I've been a million places,
But they're all up in my head.
Over-drinking, overthinking ever since you left.
I've been gone, I've been gone
I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.
All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong
Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane
Sadder than a country song.
Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way
Ever since you moved on, I've been gone.
Took a trip down memory lane.
Checked into hotel heartbreak.
Passed rock bottom on the way
Without leaving my living room.
I've been a million places
But they're all up in my head.
Over-drinking, overthinking ever since you left.
I've been gone, I've been gone
I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.
All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong
Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane
Sadder than a country song.
Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way
Ever since you moved on, I've been gone.
Yeah
I've been gone.
All the clothes are on the floor
All the mail's by the door
All the whiskey bottles in my bed.
All the dishes in the sink
All the gas is in the tank
All the neighbors probably think I'm dead.
I've been gone, I've been gone
I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.
All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong
Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane
Sadder than a country song.
Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way
Ever since you moved on, I've been gone (ooh, ooh)
I've been gone (ooh, ooh)
Gone
