ANS jokes

Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son, Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.

The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old's shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old's belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.

So the father waited until he'd talked to his wife and daughters, and then asked if he could talk to his son alone.

"Look, I know your mom and the girls are all pregnant. I'm not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don't have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?"

"No, Pop, we haven't seen anyone since we left the city," his son told him earnestly. "And we sure haven't gone into town for supplies, I ran out of condoms on the second day here!"

Yesterday, I tried to help a little girl by a road stop crying. I asked her where her parents were, and that made her cry harder. So then I asked her where her house was, and she said with tears, "I don't have one." So I got her in my car and drove her to where she said she was living. It was an orphanage.

What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a computer? Ctrl+Alt+Delete.

  • 0

    • If an apple and an emo kid fell out of a tree, which would hit the ground first?

    The apple, because the rope caught the emo kid.

    Two kids were beating up a ginger kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

    A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.

    "Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.

    "Denise."

    "That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"

    "Tom Junior."

  • 1

    • So, an Irish man is walking his poodle, and his buddy comes running up to him saying there’s a new pub in town and they’re giving out free pints.

    So the man picks up his dog and runs like hell to the bar. But the bar owner stops him and says, "Sorry, you can’t go in." The Irish man says, "Why can’t I go in?" "Well, you have a dog, sir, and that sign over there says no dogs allowed. You’re going to have to leave him outside." Well, the Irish man thinks quick and says, "I’m blind; it’s a seeing eye dog." The owner says, "That’s ridiculous. A seeing eye dog would be a German shepherd or golden Labrador or something like that." The Irish man says, "Well, what kind of dog did they give me??"😂

  • 0

    • Billy and Bobby were walking to school one day. Billy pulled out an mp3 player.

    "What's that?" Bobby inquired.

    "Oh, just something to zone out the other kids," Billy responded.

    The next day, Billy and Bobby were walking to school. Billy rummaged through his backpack and pulled out an mp4 player this time.

    "Woah! What's that?" Bobby inquired.

    "Oh, just a lil something to shut out the annoying kids at school," Billy responded.

    The next day, Bobby noticed Billy's backpack was particularly heavy looking. Billy rummaged through his backpack just outside the school and pulled out an mp5 rifle.

    "Holy shit, dude! What the fuck is that for?" Bobby gasped.

    "Nice huh? This'll shut those fuckers up for good!" Billy replied.

    Once I said to an orphan, "What the 'F' means in 'orphan'?"

    He replied, "There's no 'F'."

    Me: "There's no family."

    Why did Peter Parker take Gwen Stacy to an orthopedist?

    Because her neck was killing her.

  • 5

    • One day I walk up to an emo kid. I realized he had a fresh cut, so I grab my hand and slap his wrist and told him, "I like ya cut, G!"

    Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...

    I saw this little girl crying. I asked her where her parents were. She cried more, man, I love working at an orphanage.

  • 1

    • What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

    One gets picked.... (not the orphan)