ANS jokes
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
Your mama is so stupid, she made an appointment with Dr. Pepper.
You're so ugly your mom said, "I want an abortion."
What is an orphan's favorite store?
Home Depot.
Teacher: At the end of this ruler is an idiot.
Student: Which end?
Me: I asked an orphan where his parents were. I also said that I promised to take him to them.
Orphan: They're dead.
Me: A promise made is a promise kept.
Q. What's an orphan's favorite South Park episode?
A. The anti-Family Guy episode.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You tell them to clap until their parents come home.
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
Because they can't find home plate.
Why can't an orphan be gay? Because they don't have anyone to call "daddy."
What show does an orphan hate the most? Modern Family.
What's an orphan's least favorite game?
Baseball because they can't find home plate.
How do you make an adopted kid bleed? ... Tell him to clap until his parents come back.
How to make an orphan's hand bleed? By making them clap until their parents come back.
How much do pirate earrings cost? 🤔
Answer: A buck an ear. 🤣
I did a knock knock joke to an orphan. I said, "Knock knock." He said, "Who is there?" And I said, "Not your parents."
Why can't an orphan be gay?
Because they have no one to call "daddy."
What is an orphan's favorite movie? Home Alone.
What's an orphan's favorite song?
"Gimme Shelter."
An old man gets a call from the IRS.
The man on the phone says, “We’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly, and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.
The next day the old man and his lawyer show up to the IRS office, and the man there says, ”So we’ve noticed these large sums of money entering and leaving your account nonstop. Can you explain this?” The man replies, ”Well, I will bet on pretty much anything. Like this! I bet you 10,000 I can bite my own eye.” The agent takes the bet, and the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says, ”Wait. I’ll give you a chance to earn your money back, and more! I bet you 20,000 I can bite my other eye.” The agent thinks a minute and realizing the man isn’t blind, takes the bet. The old man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. He then says, ”Alright, last chance. I bet you 50,000 I can stand on this side of your office and pee into that wastebasket on the opposite side without getting a drop anywhere in between.” The agent thinks real hard but decides it’s impossible, so takes the bet. The man unzips his pants and pees all over the IRS agent’s desk. The agent jumps up and down and says, “Haha! I got you now!” But the man's lawyer goes pale in the face, sinks his head in his hands, and says, “He bet me 100,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and you’d just love it!”