And jokes

Me and my mom order Chinese food. So when it came, my mom grabbed the egg roll and started to suck it down. Then I ask my mom what are you doing. Then my mom says, "I love you for 5 dollar."

I am having a shit and there[sic] nothing else to read.

If a person in a wheelchair runs you over, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"

A man went to a library and asked the librarian if they had any books on suicide.

She replied "Oh fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

When you're mean to the quiet kid in your class and he kills everyone, good times.

Lol, I switched out my friend's leukemia medication for mercury.

Like and comment if you get it!

My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.

A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"

Ahmed is "bombuni guisisni" and Marcus is "bombardilo crocodilo" because Ahmed was late to the plane party and Marcus was first.

I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.

How many times can 46 go into 8? Just hop in the van and find out.

A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."

"Interesting."

"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.

One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.

What do you call someone that looks like Stephen Hawkins and is a space head? Byron Davey.

"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."

I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.

What brakes but never falls, and what falls but never brakes?

Answer: Night falls and dawn brakes.

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

You know the difference between happy tailgaters and angry tailgaters?

Happy tailgaters know how to throw a party.

People want to be nice to each other because they only have one life, and they want to live it well.

Sucks to be them. I'm a cat.

What’s the difference between a cow and Hitler jokes?

You can’t milk the cow after 12 years.

Did you hear about the red and blue ships that collided? All the sailors were marooned.