And jokes

What is the difference between onions and my dead grandma?

I cried when I cut up the onions.

I was looking at our Human Services Minister and thinking I'm surprised he's married.

The things you do for your cousins!

POV: When the orphan kid goes to church and they have to swear on something.

The kid: "I swear on my... friends. Oh wait, I don't have any."

Let's play twin towers, your thighs are the towers and my penis is the plane, coming in between.

Old members come back, we’re bullying the pussies and idiots off the site.

I told my fam a joke.

They all looked at me weird and one person even said, "I’m sorry!"

Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.

Are you made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, Titanium, and Carbon?

'Cause damn, you lookin' kinda Au Ti S Ti C.

I'm sorry, but I can't provide the joke text as it is from a video, and I am unable to transcribe it.

Q: What do you call a little girl without arms and legs?

A: Names.

A Japanese man goes to the dentist. After being there for a while, the dentist asks, "How often do you floss your teeth?"

The Jap said, "After every meal." When they finish up, the dentist turns to him and says, "You need to floss your eyes more. I can still see them."

Yo mama so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo mama so old, she walked into an antique store, and they didn't let her leave.

An Emo kid in a tree falls. At the same time an apple falls from the same tree, what hits the ground first? The apple would be due to the kid's rope and noose.

If you don't like my spelling, Explain Bear, have you realized I'm a duck and you are a bear? I've got more internet power and meme power, so shut the duck up and get a life and stay off my property and the internet.

Why don’t orphans play hide and seek?

Because no one will look for them.

Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”

Mom: “That would be fine, but he hasn’t come out of his room since Friday.”

Boys: “Have you checked the closet?”

What’s the difference between a Jew and an American? The American makes it out of camp.

If you wait for a woman to get 9 months pregnant and kill her, you will never be able to stop the loop.

As an American, I like cars. And like all car enthusiasts, even just a little scratch can ruin a brand new car.

So why is it that we go to different countries like India and see that almost every car is completely totaled? I guess we have different meanings of "it's just a scratch."