And jokes

To all of you making jokes about orphans, it’s all fun and games until both of your parents leave you.

LMFAO (my parents left me and it’s not the funniest thing ever)

I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"

A Christian, a Jew, and a Catholic walk into a bar. The Christian says, “Where’s Mohammed?”

No joke. I just want to say that my thoughts are with the Ukrainian people, and I wish them the best. Best of luck.

Your mom saw Uranus and never was the same in HD. :)

I would rather be drugged and robbed by Cardi B than listen to her f***ing music.

Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”

Patient: “Give me the good news first.”

Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”

Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”

Tell an emo, "Do you get jealous when your phone dies?"

There was this boy. He had diarrhea, and he kept asking to go to the bathroom, but the teacher said no. Next thing you know, he pooped himself in front of the class.

What is the difference between a normal kid and an orphan?

A normal kid has a family.

Why was Liverpool better than Man United? We won 5-0, and you have a sex offender on your team.

A dad and son walk into a strip club. The people in the strip club said he was too young to be in here, so they had to leave. Ten years later, they went back there. They saw a small dancer. The father walked over there and said the woman looked too small to be in here. Her reply was... "I wasn't dancing ten years ago."

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and the kid I kidnapped?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad did not beat cancer.

I hate it when couples get into a little fight and they change their Facebook status to "single." I have fights with my parents, but I don't change my Facebook status to "orphan."

What two things can you never have for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner!

Why does the emo hate Christmas?

The ornaments get hanged, and they don't.

Michael Jackson is like a TV from the 1900s: black and white.

God made Adam and Eve have sex right out the gate.

Then he made teenagers horny... yet here we are with a so-called "rise in teen pregnancy."

A child molester and a priest walk into a bar. He orders a drink.