And jokes

I saw your mother get into a white Ford Taurus on the corner of Milton and Halliburton, and you're still trying to tell me she ain't got no job cause she "can't get a ride to work?"

Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!

Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.

What do Marie Antoinette and 2005-2012 Korn have in common?

They're both Headless.

I wonder why the baseball was getting larger and larger, then it hit me.

Keep calm and curry on!

A guy walks into a bar, then a table, and then a chair.

"Don't sneeze!"

Every time I was in the bathroom with my friends, I would always tell them, "Don't sneeze!" and when I did, they just laughed so hard. And when we sneezed, we laughed even harder.

Also,

"It dangles and swung!"

Language art quizzes are the best.

The doe comes out of the woods, shakes herself, and says,

"I can't believe I did that for 2 bucks!"

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”

The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.

What's the difference between a baby and a Dorito?

One is a tasty snack, the other is a Dorito.

Roses are red, chocolate is brown,

I expect nothing and still get let down!

What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?

When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.

Believe in unicorns, and they'll believe in you!

So I was visiting my friends Timmy and Tommy at the phone store and I said, "A. T&T!"

I like my dynamite like I like my woman: hot and ready to explode.

I like plants, but then I decided to turn over a new leaf and branch out.

A dog talks to another dog and says,

"Wow, you're a hot dog!"

So I went to the gym and I found a hymn.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh f-i-s-h (and the eye).