And jokes

Are you made of gold, titanium, sulfur, titanium, and carbon?

Cuz you’re looking a little big Au Ti S Ti C.

Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"

-not my joke

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

"And the Lord said unto John, 'Come forth and receive eternal life,' but John came fifth and got a toaster."

Do you know why there are no pharmacies and pharmacists in Africa?

Because you can't take pills on an empty stomach!

A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."

The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"

The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."

Three old women are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat comes and flashes them.

The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third woman couldn't quite reach.

Feeling stressed? Have a nice cup of tea and spill it in the lab of the person bothering you.

What is red, pink, and goes round and round?

A baby in a blender.

What is green, brown, and goes round and round?

The same baby 3 weeks later.

Wanna go to suicide school, then time travel to Hitler's bunker and ask him to teach you?

Why shouldn’t you call people in China?

Because there are so many Wings and Wongs you might "wing" the wrong number.

I didn't ask: ❌

I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem that anyone needed this information, and there doesn't seem to be any chance anyone will need this information in the future. ✔️

I used to be a baker, but I decided to quit my job and stick my dough inside WOMEN’S bakeries.

I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well."

My brother said, "You want a cookie?"

What's the difference between Taco Bell and KFC?

KFC doesn't have Border Patrol agents surrounding all of its buildings right now.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

Islamic pubs and bars are the worst.

You can't drink alcohol or dance.

Women can get stoned though, no questions asked.