And jokes

For every blonde in the world,

scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...

Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."

They will likely reply: "What's updog?"

To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"

So I left my mom with my baby, and I was terrified when I came back; the wheelchair was in the water.

There are 25 letters in the alphabet, and yet I don't know why.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Answer: Elephino.

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.

Shorts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin. When it's sniff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet, And the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag.

It's not what you think it is. It's a Lipton tea bag.

Get your mind together!

I went to McDonald's and I saw a line of fat people because they were selling free hamburgers.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

Apples get picked.

If there was a girl and a boy and the boy fell, what did the boy do to the girl?

He fell for her.

What is it called when someone is a wheel chair and in a fire?

Answer: Hot wheels...

I like my girls like my coffee: Flat and white.

Don't tell me I haven't got balls. I just happen to wear mine on my chest, and I can guarantee they're a lot bigger than yours!

I pushed a disabled kid down a busy road and yelled out, "Mario Kart!"

Why did Michael Jackson become white? He wanted to be like a ghost, and I have any feeheet.

Jesus saved me from eternal fate, but I didn't want to get saved. I was about to fight Satan on Final Destination before facing and kicking God's ass.

What's the difference between a hooker and a burrito?

I don't eat burritos.

The double slit experiment shows light particles are a wave that assemble in your presence. And you didn't even have to say a word!

What do an orphan and an apple not have in common?

The apple actually gets picked.