And jokes
What's the difference between blood and an orphan? Blood has a place in all of our hearts.
Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What’s the difference between a fruit and an orphan? One gets chosen :)
What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A. A bird can fly, but a fly cannot bird.
Memes
What do a jack-o-lantern and an emo have in common?
They can both carve a new emotion.
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
Q: What’s the difference between apples and orphans?
A: Apples get picked.
Do you know what dogs and orphans don't have in common?
Dogs get loved.
A guy asked me what I do for a living.
Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.
What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
What’s the difference between an onion and a viola?
No one cries when they cut up the viola.
Why do violists stand for long periods outside of people's houses? They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.
Why do violists smile when they play? Because ignorance is bliss, and they don't know what can't hurt them.
What's cold, blue and makes women cry?
Cot death.
"Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate."
God loved you so much that He gave you one face and started clearing off a place for another.
Quiet kid reaches down and class starts running.
Quiet kid: What's wrong? Pulling out my...
Mommy, Mommy! Are we vampires?
Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!