And jokes

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.

Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

What's the difference between a black person and an apple?

An apple chooses to hang.

I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. The person got excited and asked if I can drive a truck.

What's the difference between an apple and a black man?

Apples look better hanging on a tree.

What do you call Hiroshima and Nagasaki?

The world's first microwaves.

Hello, I am Sflugo. I am opening the Pro Orphan Joke Club because a lot of people are saying to get rid of them, but we say NO! If you want to join, comment and say, "#SaveOrphanJokes."

How am I an ableist? My ex-girlfriend was in a wheelchair, and we lived in the same old building with a broken elevator. I ended the relationship by moving to the 8th floor.

A man walks into a bar and ends up with a concussion.

Maybe if he looked where he was going, he wouldn’t have hit that pole.

I usually tell jokes about Kobe, but they usually crash and burn.

What's the difference between Batman and a gay person?

Batman has no one to call "daddy."

So I got my sister shampoo for her birthday, and she stood there and threw her wig on the floor.

Your mama is so ugly, she walked by a TV and missed eight episodes.

Why did an orphan go on Google Maps?

To try and find their parents.

What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?

I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.

At first, I didn't like Big Ben, but then I went there and the experience was un-BELL-ievable!

Before I die, I'm going to ask to be cremated.

Then I'm going to eat a bunch of popcorn kernels.

Then I'll die and get cremated. BOOM! I'm popcorn!

I'm glad we're all going virtual so I can cuss in front of my class and blame it on my stupid siblings.

What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

What's stiff and 6 inches long?

SIDS.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating, and I said to her, "You're starting to sound like my wife."