And jokes

Kids are like a box of chocolates, they taste so good and you never know what you are going to get.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."

"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.

"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

What are the similarities between a pedophile and a 9/11 plane?

They both came from behind and crushed them.

My friend: "Ya mama so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch!"

Me: "That joke's older than your mom!"

A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."

What's the difference between me and a rapist?

He forced her, while I convinced her with a candy.

She was just 7 years old.

What does a Catholic Priest and a commercial from the 80s have in common? They both ask people, "Where's the meat?"

Who is more loyal: a dog or a wife?

Well, lock them both in your trunk for two hours and drive around and see which one is happy to see you.

I would like to tell more jokes about 9/11, but they always crash and burn.

I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.

I have a friend whose birthday is on September 11th.

They're going to have an explosive party that will definitely blow you away!

It's gonna be the bomb, and a blast, too!

Am I the only one who's on here because it's not blocked on the school laptop and I can't use my phone in class?

Cows go moo.

What do an Olympic silver medalist and a Catholic priest have in common?

A: They both come in a little behind.

How did the Apple and the emo fall off the tree at the same time?

Because Paul Walker crashed into it.

What's black and white, black and white, black and white?

Michael Jackson.

What's the difference between herpes and my dad?

Herpes stays around.

I hate it when ever I bring a girl over, my parents don't care, but when I bring one of my friends that's a boy, they're like, "Keep the door open," and I'm gay.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.

Jack got a big shock with a mouth full of huge cock, because Jill's real name is Randy, and she had no candy, just he gave Jack a handy.

Your legs are just like Oreos! I wanna split the ends and eat what's in between.

What's the difference between a screw and a hooker? You can't unscrew the hooker.