And jokes

How are Eggs Benedict and a blow job alike?

You can't get either one at home.

How did they know the teacher onboard the spaceship had dandruff?

Cause her Head and Shoulders were everywhere!

I walked up to a cat and started to sing a song. The cat said, "HECK NO!" then ran off. I follow it while still singing "BABY COME HOME TO ME!!"

When I am getting bored, I hold a banana and start shaking it suddenly. It gives out juice after a few minutes. I get excited. Ohhhhhh!

Try with a cucumber.

Does anyone know where I can get that picture that went around the internet of Steven Hawking looking at the stairway to Heaven and saying “Oh Fu-k”?

When you went to McDonald's and sat down, you were so fat, they said, "TBC."

What's the difference between football and rape? Women don't like football.

I told a girl she was cute, and she said, "Aw, tysm."

How does she know I have that?

I bought my fat wheelchair son a treadmill for his birthday, then that big brainless special motherfucker cried over it and threw a fit cuz his fat special ass couldn't get up out of his wheelchair and said for Jesus to raise him up and give him working and movable legs.

What's the difference between a piranha and a teenage girl?

The piranha doesn't wear makeup.

Why were the UK and the USA bad at chess?

Because they lost their queen and two towers.

Falco: Dreaming of a day when I don’t hear people say I’m a knockoff Fox, knockoff Fox.

Fox: Dreaming of a day when you die in a fire and I get all your aerial skills.

Falco: Wat...

Why is 10 afraid?

Because he next to 9 and 11.

A guy is walking down the street when he almost steps in something. He looks down and says, "Looks like shit."

He crouches down and smells it, "Smells like shit."

He sticks his finger in, tastes it, "Tastes like shit."

He then smiles and says, "Well, good thing I didn't step on it!"

Q: What do men and math tests have in common?

A: They get cheated on.

POV: A person made you mad, but you're Chinese and they have a cat. "CHING CHONG, CHING CHONG, CHING CHONG, BITCH."

Did you all hear about the newest gay celebrity couple? Yeah, John Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzjohn.

How are infants and chocolate alike? They'll both kill your dog.

I went up to the deaf kid and said, "I’m going to punch you in 3, 2, 1." And he ended up with a broken nose, and I said, "You should have listened to me!"

You look like you're playing hide-and-seek with your hairline.