And jokes

I was driving a car and a fat person was crossing the street. When I swerved my car to miss her, I ran out of gas.

Earth is fun and worstbmaa.

Well, a lock and a key were going on vacation, but the key said, "Help me, I'm stuck!" and then the lock said, "I think I am in lock-shary."

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple tree?

Apples get picked.

A man came up to me and threatened me with his milk, cheese, and butter... how dairy!

What's long, hard, and bloody?

The Boston Marathon.

What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet?

Gum.

What’s the difference between a cow and 9/11?

A cow can’t be milked for 21 years.

What do 9/11 and 911 have in common?

They're twins.

What does a school bus crash and a train crash have in common?

They always line up.

If anyone can see Alya KUHL please tell me! I love and miss her...

If I were a judge and gave you a sentence, I would sentence you to life for your looks.

Why is Santa so happy? He knows where all the naughty girls and ho ho hos live.

Yo mama so fat, she called Dr. Seuss and he couldn’t even rhyme back.

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children.

My dad had a very unfortunate accident with his death. I clearly asked for Jammy Dodgers and got Bourbons!

When your parents ask you to take out the trash, you knock out your brother, put him in a closet, and when your parents ask where he is, you say, "I took him out like you said."

My dad tells me and my sister to stop arguing, so she elbowed me in my damn nose.

A guy is at his locker, and a girl comes and says, "Hey, I love you."

He says, "Okay, cool." She then replies and says, "Well, what do you think about our love?" He says, "Count the stars."

Then she says, "Oh, infinity!" and he replies with, "Nope, it's just a waste of time."

Don't y'all just hate when something funny to you happens and then you just have to be quiet so you don't look like a villain?