And jokes
What has two legs, two arms, one dead and covered in red?
My ex-wife.
What borders on stupidity?
Scotland and the EU.
The fish swam in litter and oh, dam!
What's the difference between a baby and a salad?
I'm not in jail for tossing a salad.
Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.
Me.
You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.
Memes
Uma Thurman in "Pulp Fiction" was very kind and possibly the sweetest character, unless you count her forehead as of now.
Dude: Hey dude guess who I am?
Viewers: Dora.
Trump: No, I am President Trump.
Viewers: Why are you wearing Dora’s clothes and backpack?
Trump: Today we are going to build a wall.
Viewers: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
What is the difference between Madeleine McCann and a submarine?
They are both full of seamen and are at the bottom of the ocean.
Does it make me gay if I kiss your dad and he decides to drill my ass?
What does an emo kid and pizza have in common?...... The pizza doesn’t cut itself.
There were two sisters. They said they were supporting nine eleven, so I shot one of the sister's kneecaps, and the other sister got shot in the head.
My friend misspelled "Mexico" and got here.
He sucked his sister's poop hole.
What's the difference between my wife and her sisters?
Her sisters ate hotter, and I married the grenade.
America and UK are a joke.
When you get home and see your parents with your grades in their hands.
Twenty minutes later, they're slapping you with the belt.
What’s the difference between my mom and the Twin Towers?
My mom got hit by two cars. The Twin Towers got hit by two planes.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan? Apples get picked.
Q: What’s the difference between orphans and apples?
A: Apples get picked.
My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.
Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.
Why didn't the 6th of Jan go well? Cause the shitty Trump supporters didn't carry out the damn job correctly and let the president down. Also, hang Mike Pence!