And jokes

What is the difference between an orphan and a criminal?

Criminals are wanted.

Imagine you're playing GTA and you finally found out how to take out a gun: Option 1: shoot someone Option 2: suicide

Me: Aren't they the same thing?

Whenever my grandparents apologize, I say "forgive and forget". They are really obedient.

A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.

What are the differences between Santa and Joe Biden?

The kids actually want to sit on Santa’s lap.

What's the difference between a phone and a girl? You can turn it off whenever you want.

Q. What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A. A seatbelt.

What's the difference between a six-year-old and a submarine?

I've never been inside a submarine.

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

I told a kid his dad is a magician because he disappeared and never came back home.

What do Spiderman and an orphan have in common? They both have no way home.

My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.

He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

What do depressed kids and sloths have in common? They both hang from trees.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

One is made of plastic and bad for kids; the other one holds shopping.

What's the difference between Freddie Mercury and Princess Diana?

Freddie lived long enough to be a Queen.