And jokes

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.

Osama's aim was horrible. One of his angry birds missed and hit a field in Pennsylvania.

What are the differences between Santa and Joe Biden?

The kids actually want to sit on Santa’s lap.

What's the difference between a phone and a girl? You can turn it off whenever you want.

What’s black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.

What's the difference between a six-year-old and a submarine?

I've never been inside a submarine.

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

I told a kid his dad is a magician because he disappeared and never came back home.

What do Spiderman and an orphan have in common? They both have no way home.

My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.

He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

What do depressed kids and sloths have in common? They both hang from trees.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

One is made of plastic and bad for kids; the other one holds shopping.

What's the difference between Freddie Mercury and Princess Diana?

Freddie lived long enough to be a Queen.

I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?

I was beefing with a dude in a wheelchair, so I took his wheelchair and threw it across the street and told him, "Walk it off, you will be fine."

Customer: "Can I get this in a smaller size and a different color?"

Employee: "Ma'am, this is an adoption agency, you can't do that here!"