And jokes

Customer: "Can I get this in a smaller size and a different color?"

Employee: "Ma'am, this is an adoption agency, you can't do that here!"

I was beefing with a dude in a wheelchair, so I took his wheelchair and threw it across the street and told him, "Walk it off, you will be fine."

I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

What do depressed kids and sloths have in common? They both hang from trees.

So my dad said to me and my sister, "Don't fight," but did he mean "fist fight" or "yelling fight?"

Coronavirus walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Gimme a shot of whiskey, will ya?"

The bartender says, "Sorry. We don't serve viruses here."

Corona replies, "Well, you're not a very good host."

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

I told a kid his dad is a magician because he disappeared and never came back home.

What do Spiderman and an orphan have in common? They both have no way home.

Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

One is made of plastic and bad for kids; the other one holds shopping.

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

Knott and Shott got into a gunfight. Knott was shot and Shott was not. Therefore, it was better to be Shott than Knott. But what if the shot Shott shot didn't hit Knott but Shott? Then the shot Shott shot shot Shott.

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually, the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

What do painters and prostitutes have in common?

They're both paid for a good finish.

Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

What do computers and white kids have in common? They don't have trouble shooting.