All jokes

As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe tour guide wasn't the right career choice for me...

A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.

On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."

On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.

I walked out of the electronic store and saw a midget carrying a big screen TV all by himself. He looked like he needed a hand, so I offered to help.

He said, "This is not a big screen TV, it's a Kindle!!"

Student: Hey! Did you hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?

Teacher: No?

Student: All I can say about it is, "Well, well, well."

Where did the eye doctor keep all his kittens? On Cat-A-Racks!

I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said, "Bach, Bach, Bach!"

What's the difference between a cop car and a hedgehog?

With a cop car, all the pricks are on the inside.

My name says it all.

Q: How do you know there’s a party at Neverland Ranch? A: All the Big Wheels are parked out front.

Q: When do you know it’s over? A: Only one is left.

"Are you my homework? Because I want to slam you on my desk and do you all night."

Why was the baby ant confused?

Because its uncles were all aunts!

Why can't orphans see all these jokes on this website that we're posting?

'Cause they don't know where the home page is.

Why can't Juice WRLD play Call of Duty zombies?

Because he can't handle all six perks.

Your hairline is so far back that it goes all the way across the globe.

Time heals all wounds.

Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.

You know how we all have different sides? Well, I have a suicidal side. (Here a bang in the next room.) Oh well, not anymore :)

A man once ate the left side of a person. One guy watching asked if the guy he was eating was okay. The man eating him said, "No... it's okay, he's all right now."

You're losing all your friends, but never any calories.

The Twin Towers ordered a pepperoni pizza, but they were pissed as all they got was plane.