Why do women get periods?
Just cancel the subscription.
Shower thoughts
What’s the difference between a feminist and a school shooter?
A school shooter actually makes an impact on its targets.
Why do orphans only have 363 days?
They don’t have Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
How do 4 gay guys fit on one stool at the same time?
They flip it over.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!
Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
What's got 5 arms, 3 legs and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon
Dad: Son, do you want to play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?
Son: Sure, let me get it from the closet.
Dad: No, bring your sisters. Just like the game, they can’t move their legs.
Why don’t old people have sex?
When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?
Is it incest if it’s out in the open?
Or is it... outcest?
Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
Why did the woman cross the road?
What’s she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?
Want one way to get a free haircut?
Call the cancer hotline.
Q. What do they call an ISIS terrorist who owns both a camel and a goat?
A. Bisexual.
Why do women always have sex with the lights off?
Because they never like to see a man having a good time.
Q: How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
A: She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.
How do you know your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
Q: What’s the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
A: You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.
Why don't black people go on cruises? They're not falling for that one again.
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"