Why did the baby cross the road? The car seat wasn’t strapped in.
Shower thoughts
A child, molester, and priest walk into a bar.
He orders a drink.
What do you call a space Muslim?
A Tusken Raider.
Why are lesbians bad at math?
Because they can't multiply.
Why do people in Alabama like eating sandwiches? They like things in bread.
The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."
What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?
Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.
What's the difference between Jedi and a rapist?
Nothing, they both use the Force to get what they want.
What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic cabin have in common? The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.
I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun, now it's an assault rifle.
What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority? Because they don’t like dicks.
What is the difference between women and cars?
At least one of them retained their value after getting wrecked.
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.
Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.
So I don’t get pepper sprayed.
The couple next door made a porn film.
They don’t know it yet.
What is the difference between a microwave and a gay guy?
A microwave doesn’t brown your meat.
Why did God create women before men?
He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.
How do you start a school shooting at a black school?
Call the cops.
A white woman was caught on video using racial slurs and assaulting two black students. She was charged with "interpreting" a black police officer.