When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.
He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.
murder muffin
@murdermuffin
heyyey i like dark humor :) go like my jokes 馃憡馃憡
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.
Me: Hey, are your parents home?
Orphan: (crying) Stop calling here!
Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.
The jury: O.o
Me: *gets down on one knee*
Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!
Me: *falls over*
Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.
"the floor is lava!"
- everyone, Pompeii 79 A.D.
Me: *stabs vampire*
Wife: omg
Me: *beats vampire to death*
Wife: OMG
Me: What?
Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!
Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?
me: I'm going to steal your heart.
her: omg that's so romantic!!
me, an organ trafficker: ( 汀掳 蜏蕱 汀掳)
[being buried alive]
Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?
What do you do when a person with epilepsy gets seizures in the bathtub? Throw in some laundry.