Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"
Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."
Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."
Guy: "About that..."
murder muffin
heyyey i like dark humor :) go like my jokes 👊👊
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"
Patient: "Cancer?"
Doctor: "What a coincidence."
the doctor gave me one year to live, so i shot him with my gun. the judge gave me 15 years. problem solved!
What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn't opened her present yet.
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.
NASA found water on Mars.
Mars - 1
Africa - 0
Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?
Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...
Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.
[being buried alive]
Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?
me: I'm going to steal your heart.
her: omg that's so romantic!!
me, an organ trafficker: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?
how many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none, they all sit in the dark and cry.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
What's the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.
"the floor is lava!"
- everyone, Pompeii 79 A.D.
What do you do when a person with epilepsy gets seizures in the bathtub? Throw in some laundry.
What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.
Me: Hey, are your parents home?
Orphan: (crying) Stop calling here!