80 jokes

I went 80 mph in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screamed, "Am I hallucinating?"

What world record did the people in 9/11 get?

The world record for going down 80 floors in a matter of seconds.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"Aye, matey."

How are the faster readers in the world?

9/11 victims, they read 80 stories in 10 seconds.

What does an 80-year-old woman taste like?

Depends.

The real dead hooker joke is on all of us from the Fraser Valley in BC. You know damn well each and everyone of us ate that Pickton hooker pork. Considering it stretching from the 80's-2000's, pretty sure he got 4 generations of Valley folk with that Pickton pork.

If 80% of all suicides in the UK are males, and women want equality, then maybe they should just kill themselves.

What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 80 mph? Its butt.

Beneath this monumental stone Lise, 80 pounds of skin and bone.

What is 80 feet wide and has 22 teeth?

Answer: The front row of a Trump Rally!

When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,

Then the speed bump starts screaming.

The coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.

Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.

One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!

He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!

Coach said to himself, "I got to have this guy. He's got the best arm I've ever seen!"

He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.

The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.

"Mother," he yells over the phone, "We just won the Super Bowl!"

"Don't talk to me," the woman says. "You abandoned us. You can't be my son."

The young Iraqi begs, "Mom, you don't understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!"

"I don't care," his mother snaps. "Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped."

Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

What does a blowjob from an 80-year-old and bungee jumps have in common?

You feel the rush, but don't look down.

What’s the difference between 80 dead babies and a Lambo? I don’t have a Lambo in my garage.

An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"

Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"

Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga.

And 100% of men don’t care.

Who are the fastest readers?

9/11 victims because they went through 80 stories in 10 seconds. 😂

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 7 seconds. In case you didn't see that one coming, don't feel bad, they didn't either.

What does an orphan have in common with an 80-year-old woman? Their parents will never come back.