So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.
What's the difference between milk and my dad?
Nothing, I apparently am allergic to both because I never see either of them.
What's the difference between my dad and milk? There is no difference; they both left.
A: What did the podiatrist say to the double amputee?
Q: Sorry, but I can't help you.
A: What did the lawyer say to the amputee?
Q: You haven't got a leg to stand on.
Why can't fat kids change a tire?
They would eat the donut.
If an Indian kid is conceived in incest, would that make them OMbred?
Q. What do Danielle Smith and a squirrel have in common?
A. They both always have a mouth full of nuts.
"When I heard that not arguing or fighting in a relationship represents a lack of interest, that's when my girlfriend started missing her makeup box."
"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."
"Talking about childhood habits, my friend told me he still collects coins and post stamps and all. He asked me, I said - breastfeeding."
Remember kids.
Killing an AISH worker is a victimless crime.
What do you call an emo kid with light up shoes?
A human chandelier.
"The legend says Tinker Bell was good in jerkin' off Peter with her tiny fingers, but it pains me to think that Captain Hook was a closeted-sadist boyfriend."
What’s better than the best thing ever?
Me being mod.
"Can we at least give them one credit—for abiding the traffic laws?"
Q. What do you get when you blindfold a racist?
A. A Notsee.
Little Johnny goes to his mum and asks, "Mummy, what's rape?"
Little Johnny's mum answers, "The way you got here."
Q: What did the AISH worker do on her lunch break? A: Five Guys.
If you can't afford a blow up doll, just go down to your local AISH office.
