An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.

What do you call a dog with no legs? – Doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not coming.

Why do the French eat snails? – They don’t like fast food.

I think my coworkers are gay. – Every time I walk by, they mumble, “What an ass.”

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

What concert costs 45 cents? – 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? – Well, the flag is a big plus.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? – Beef jerky.

Why should you not make fun of a crippled person?

Because he can’t stand the jokes.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? – Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.

What’s the best thing about 28 year old’s? -There’s 20 of them.

Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? - Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.

The three unwritten rules of life: