What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? – “Are you having a crisis?”
What’s red and bad for your teeth? – A brick.
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? - Because she heard the drinks were on the house.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.
Why do the French eat snails? – They don’t like fast food.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? – Because she always ran away from the ball.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.
What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? – An envelope.
What concert costs 45 cents? – 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.
A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”
The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, “You can have anything you want.””
The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? – Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.
What do you call a nose without a body? – Nobody knows.
Confucius say, man who go to sleep with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger.
What does a Mexican Highlander say?
“There can be only Juan!”
Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese. – He wants to make America grate again.
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I’ve made wet this year to -1.
Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records. – Then the librarian told me to take it out.
“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”