why is it cold in hospitals?....... to keep the vegetables cold and fresh
What do you call a blonde who's dyed her hair brunette?
A Chinese Drunk and a Jewish Drunk are sitting together on a park bench...
After finishing his drink the Jew takes his bottle and *smashes* it over the head of the Chinese drunk.
"What the hell was that for?" ask the Chinese man, rubbing his head.
"That was for Pearl Harbor!" replies the Jewish drunk.
"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!" he exclaims in return.
"Eh, Chinese, Japanese, Korean... you're all the same to me," the Jewish man explains as he gets up to leave.
The next day, the two drunks are back on the same park bench. The Chinese drunk suddenly takes his bottle, and *smashes* it over the head of the Jew.
"Why the hell did you do that?" the Jewish man stammers.
"That was for the Titanic!" explains the Chinese drunk.
"The Titanic? What are you talking about? No one attacked it, it sunk when it hit an iceberg!" the Jew replies.
"Eh, Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg.... you're all the same to me," the Chinese drunk happily retorts.
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk...
His wife was up waiting for him...
"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled
He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
3 drunk guys entered a taxi
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
The Drunk and a priest
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
A lion would never drive while drunk.
But a tiger wood
I went to catch the fog this morning, I mist.
the highest level of trust in the world is when two cannibals are each giving each other blowjobs.
Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?
Because orange is the new black.
whats the difference between kobe bryant and jeffery epstein? only 2 13 year olds went down on kobes helicopter.
minimalism is a scam created by big small to sell more less
Why should you always wear rubber
So you don’t leave DNA evidence
What another name for an Abortion?
Canceling your delivery.
Why are day dudes so rude…
Because their fucking ass holes
friend: Name one gay person off the top of you're head Me: Me
Why don't nurse's like giving old people bath or showers Because they don't won't their vegetables to get soggy.
Steps to win a nerf war Step 1. Take out nerf bullets Step 2. Load hollow points Step 3. Win
Drake has to much meat donate to the people in need