What do you call a bus going backwards. A sub.

What do you call male mermaids? Mer-butlers!

Teacher: What does a chicken give you? Student: an egg! Teacher: What does a fat cow give you? Student: homework!

Why are orphans bad at baseball?

They can’t find home

there was man, who had just moved from a foreign country. he just moved into his apartment, and was watching his favorite TV shows. the first one was “me-me-me, me-me-me, me-me-me-me-me-me-me,” the second one was “forks and knives, forks and knives, all i use is forks and knives,” and the last one was “BRING IT ON, FAT MAN!!” There had been a murder in the area, and the man was walking in the park when a cop showed up and asked him “sir, have you seen this man?” and held up a photo. the man said “me-me-me, me-me-me, me-me-me-me-me-me-me.” the cop said, “sir, what did you use.” and the man said “forks and knives, forks and knives, all i use is forks and knives.” after that, the cop said, “sir, im going to have to arrest you,” and the man said “BRING IT ON, FAT MAN!!” the screen goes black, and all you can here “chk-chk. BANG”

I love you too

A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied “okay cool now I’m going to go sue thin mints for not making me thin.”

To whomever stole my anti-depression pills, I hope your happy now

Do you know where Hellen Keller lives? Neither does she

There were 2 guys in an asylum. One name Kenny and the other is Bob. The nurse went down the hall and saw Kenny act like he was packing his bags. Nurse said “What are you doin Kenny?” Kenny said “Going to Florida for the week.” Nurse said “Alright see ya when you get back.” Next day Nurse went down the hall again and saw Kenny laying down acting like he was holding a wine glass. Nurse said “What are you doing Kenny?” Kenny said “I am at the beach” Nurse said “Oh I forgot your in Florida for the week, see ya when you get back” Bob’s room was across the hall. Nurse went further down the hall and saw Bob on his bed jerking off. Nurse said “Goddamnit Bob what are you doing?” Bob said “Shhh, I am fucking Kenny’s wife right now, he is in Florida for the week”

My favorite joke is my life

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way it really ruined her birthday.

Its all shits and giggles till somebody giggles and shits.

Why is the iPhone 7 not a smart phone? It doesn’t know jack.

eeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeee

Why do they have fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.

Why wasn’t the moon 🌕 hungry?

Because it was full!

A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit” girl says “who” boy goes “ my ass cheeks”

How do you get 1 million followers:

{ RUN THROUGH AFRICA WITH A BOTTLE OF WATER }

how is a child with cancer and dark humor similar? They never get old.