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I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: no one stands up Teacher: Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb. waves her finger around the left side of the room Little Johnny: stands up Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.

Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words.

His response was “Ho ho ho”

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

My family is like a cactus; A bunch of pricks.

What do you take care of after a car crash? The witnesses

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says “what about the children” the rabbi says “f... the children” and the Priest says "do you think we’ll have time

I believe “Self-Babtism” is a nice way of saying “Failed Suicide Attempt”

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself…

Where the f*ck is my roof?

my grandpa has a world record for holding his breathe… hes been holding it for 6 years.

How did Helen keller’s mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.

When you send nudes to your roblox gf and your uncle’s phone sounds with a text tone…

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty three times.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".

The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

What does PEMDAS stand for?

Please End My Depression And Suffering

How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?

Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

Dark humor is a lot like food.

Not everyone gets it.