Why did Susie fall off the swing? Because she didn’t have any arms.

Knock knock Who’s there? Not Susie.

Titanic: “And I’m nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!”

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due his skill in disappearing.

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

I saw an Isis video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, “soon, my brother.”

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

I made a website for orphans, unfortunately it doesn’t have a homepage.

Would you like to try African food??

They would too.

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says “well can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied “no”. So the grandpa says “okay.” And leaves it at that and walks off. A few years later the boy asks his grandfather for some money again and his grandfather once again asks “can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says “yes it can.” To which the grandpa says “good, now go f... yourself.”

“What do we want?”

“HEARING AIDS!”

“When do we want them?”

“HEARING AIDS!”

Mama Mia’s pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is our sauce.

A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says “what about the children” the rabbi says “f... the children” and the Priest says "do you think we’ll have time

Where did sally go during the bombing? Everywhere

What’s black, white, and red? A nun that fell down a 100 flight of stairs. What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her!

Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.

Yo mama like a penny: two faced, worthless and in everybody’s pants

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

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