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I believe “Self-Babtism” is a nice way of saying “Failed Suicide Attempt”

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".

The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

My family is like a cactus; A bunch of pricks.

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

  • Shoes on gravel
  • Crackling of fire
  • The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
  • Cats purring

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

What’s a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

What’s a similarity Cliff Hanger and Nooses?

They both leave you Hanging

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself…

Where the f*ck is my roof?

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty three times.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied:

“Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words.

His response was “Ho ho ho”