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The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: no one stands up Teacher: Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb. waves her finger around the left side of the room Little Johnny: stands up Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur and the rabbit says no So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? He wipes his ass.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says “what about the children” the rabbi says “f... the children” and the Priest says "do you think we’ll have time

I started a band called 999 megabytes… we still haven’t gotten a gig

What’s a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.

I saw an Isis video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, “soon, my brother.”

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

The windows xp log out sound

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Children should never run with scissors and lesbians should never scissor with the runs