I’ll never forget my grandma’s last words, “What are you doing in here with that hammer?”

I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I’m sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live." The man says " 10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?" The doctor calmly replies “Nine”

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.” The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, “Jesus is watching you.” The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, “Are you the one who’s been talking to me?” The parrot responds, “Yes.” The thief couldn’t believe it. So, he asks another question. “What is your name?” “Ismael.” the parrot replies. The man scoffed. “What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?” The parrot speaks yet again, “The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus.”

What’s the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful f...er just sat in his wheelchair and cried

I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide, the librarian responds with ”f... off you won’t bring it back!”

Why did little Timmy drop his ice cream cone?

He got hit by a bus.

Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?

What leaves a bigger memory than a passionate kiss?

a stab wound

Why cant two chinese people have a white baby ?

Because two wongs dont make a white

What did stevie wonder’s mom do to punish him as a child? She rearranged all the furniture

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except Abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water

Who else would think of adding gas

I hate these double standards.

if you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job" if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”

if you’re ever bored, punch an orphan. what are they gonna do? tell their parents?

A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says “what about the children” the rabbi says “f... the children” and the Priest says "do you think we’ll have time

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