An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.
What do you call a dog with no legs? – Doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not coming.
Why do the French eat snails? – They don’t like fast food.
I think my coworkers are gay. – Every time I walk by, they mumble, “What an ass.”
I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
What concert costs 45 cents? – 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? – Well, the flag is a big plus.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? – Beef jerky.
Why should you not make fun of a crippled person?
Because he can’t stand the jokes.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? – Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.
I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.
What’s the best thing about 28 year old’s? -There’s 20 of them.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? - Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.
The three unwritten rules of life: