I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. – I’m not really a mourning person.

Why did the coffee file a police report? – Because it was mugged.

Would you like to try African food??

They would too.

How do Mexicans feel about Trump’s wall? – They’ll get over it.

What do you call shaving a crazy sheep? – Shear madness.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

Why cant two chinese people have a white baby ?

Because two wongs dont make a white

What’s the difference between a baby and a baked potato?

About 140 calories.

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? – Because the sign says No Tres passing.

Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, “Isn’t it dark down here?” She replies, “I don’t know. I can’t see.”

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws? – It was given two consecutive sentences.

Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”

The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”

The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”

The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile.

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker

Hop In

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

What do you call an alligator with a vest?

An investigator.

What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

He wipes his butt.

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