Disabled
What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to? – The computer runs.
Disabled
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him: Wife: why is your face all bloody? Husband: I was so drunk that I couldn’t stand up so I kept falling on my face! Wife: idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!
Puns
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Puns
How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.
Disabled
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn’t see that well.
Brick
Tits are like Lego bricks. They’re there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
Music
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
Blonde
What is the difference between butter and a blonde? - Butter is difficult to spread.
Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was a kamikaze pilot. 12 times.
School
An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”
Puns
I was very lonely so I bought some shares. – It’s nice to have a bit of company.
Doctor
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. – That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
Puns
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there.”
Music
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
Disabled
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to there other side!
Homeless
Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock? – She started her period.
Woman
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Disabled
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? – You make a seizure salad.
Disabled
Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new piano?
Neither has he.
Disabled
I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.