So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

Why do people make fun of crippled people? Because they can’t stand up for themselves

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. – I’m not really a mourning person.

English is weird. – It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle? – Because dogs can’t whistle.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.

Why did 10 die? – He was in the middle of 9/11.

What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?

Wave.

Can February March? – No, but April May.

What do you do with epileptic lettuce? – You make a seizure salad.

Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new piano?

Neither has he.

6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? – A brick.

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.”

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.

I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.

Why has Stephen hawking’s stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? - Because she heard the drinks were on the house.