What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to? – The computer runs.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him: Wife: why is your face all bloody? Husband: I was so drunk that I couldn’t stand up so I kept falling on my face! Wife: idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn’t see that well.
Tits are like Lego bricks. They’re there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
What is the difference between butter and a blonde? - Butter is difficult to spread.
Chuck Norris was a kamikaze pilot. 12 times.
An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”
I was very lonely so I bought some shares. – It’s nice to have a bit of company.
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. – That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there.”
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to there other side!
Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock? – She started her period.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? – You make a seizure salad.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new piano?
Neither has he.
I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.