What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to? – The computer runs.

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A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him: Wife: why is your face all bloody? Husband: I was so drunk that I couldn’t stand up so I kept falling on my face! Wife: idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!

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RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

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How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.

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Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He couldn’t see that well.

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Tits are like Lego bricks. They’re there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

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Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

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What is the difference between butter and a blonde? - Butter is difficult to spread.

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Chuck Norris was a kamikaze pilot. 12 times.

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An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

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I was very lonely so I bought some shares. – It’s nice to have a bit of company.

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9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. – That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there.”

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What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

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How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to there other side!

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Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock? – She started her period.

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Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

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What do you do with epileptic lettuce? – You make a seizure salad.

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Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new piano?

Neither has he.

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I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.

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