One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.” They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”

“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children’s ward

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

What does a wizard say when doing drugs? Injecto Patronum!

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due his skill in disappearing.

What was the last thing to run through osama bin ladens mind? Probably a bullet.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one then he/she should stand up. After a minute a boy stands up.

The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he’s an idiot.

The boy says, “No, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”

Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

• Shoes on gravel
• Crackling of fire
• The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
• Cats purring

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”