An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

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What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? – Well, the flag is a big plus.

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What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? – A stick.

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Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

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I think my coworkers are gay. – Every time I walk by, they mumble, “What an ass.”

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How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?

Wave.

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What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

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I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. “What happened to your face?” I asked.

“I’m a Paralympian,” he replied.

“Boxing?”

“No, … hurdles.”

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Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

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Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new piano?

Neither has he.

2

What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? – Itenticle.

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Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince.

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What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse’s butt?

An Amish Mechanic.

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What do you do with epileptic lettuce? – You make a seizure salad.

2

6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.

2

What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

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I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand. – It’s seven.

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Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you’re super annoying and won’t shut up.

1

Why should you not make fun of a crippled person?

Because he can’t stand the jokes.

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Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

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