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How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children’s ward

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself…

Where the f*ck is my roof?

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

What was the last thing to run through osama bin ladens mind? Probably a bullet.

What’s a Pedophiles Favorite type of garden

A kindergarden

my grandpa has a world record for holding his breathe… hes been holding it for 6 years.

Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

  • Shoes on gravel
  • Crackling of fire
  • The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
  • Cats purring

One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one then he/she should stand up. After a minute a boy stands up.

The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he’s an idiot.

The boy says, “No, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty three times.

If you push some one that’s bullying, if you kill some one that’s murder, if there is no evidence it’s nothing

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.” They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”