What’s black, white, and red? A nun that fell down a 100 flight of stairs. What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her!

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person

You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message

Did you know Hellen Keller has a pool? Neither did she.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one then he/she should stand up. After a minute a boy stands up.

The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he’s an idiot.

The boy says, “No, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

I like my couches like my I like my women… Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

Titanic: “And I’m nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!”

“What do we want?”

“HEARING AIDS!”

“When do we want them?”

“HEARING AIDS!”

A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick. The Bartender asks him why And the Pirate says: Argh, It’s driving me nuts.

Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.

A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind

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