Say what you want about Pedophiles but at least they drive slow through school zones

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

What was the last thing to run through osama bin ladens mind? Probably a bullet.

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children

Wife:Honey im pregnant

Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad

Wife:No you’re not

One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.” They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children’s ward

Are you enjoying my yolks. I bet there making you crack up. If not, I better scrammble

How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty three times.