Woman: Doctor, where are we going? Doctor: To the morgue. Woman: I’m not dead yet, doctor. Doctor: We’re not at morgue yet, either

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

Where did sally go during the bombing? Everywhere

I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof

I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and and everything was half off. I didn’t know back to school sales had started already

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”

The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, “You can have anything you want.””

The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide, but you can’t run.

Last night I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!

Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.

What did stevie wonder’s mom do to punish him as a child? She rearranged all the furniture

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it’s clear why everyone calls me handsome.

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? – Beef jerky.

Dark humor is a lot like food.

Not everyone gets it.

Im doing a charity bungee jump for the local disabled. Its called spastics on elastics

I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. “What happened to your face?” I asked.

“I’m a Paralympian,” he replied.

“Boxing?”

“No, … hurdles.”

I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.

What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person

You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message