“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question, can go home." A boy throws his bag out the window.
The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?”
The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”
The only reason Stephen Hawking died is because he forgot to update to the latest version of Microsoft
My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry
So I threw a coconut at her
What’s the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide, the librarian responds with ”f... off you won’t bring it back!”
There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, “Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween.”
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like
An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”
What’s black, white, and red? A nun that fell down a 100 flight of stairs. What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her!