An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? – Well, the flag is a big plus.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? – A stick.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
I think my coworkers are gay. – Every time I walk by, they mumble, “What an ass.”
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. “What happened to your face?” I asked.
“I’m a Paralympian,” he replied.
“No, … hurdles.”
Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new piano?
Neither has he.
What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? – Itenticle.
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince.
What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse’s butt?
An Amish Mechanic.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? – You make a seizure salad.
6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand. – It’s seven.
Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you’re super annoying and won’t shut up.
Why should you not make fun of a crippled person?
Because he can’t stand the jokes.
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.