Worst Jokes Ever
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
About one third less than for a regular bulb.
What do George Floyd and an astronaut have in common?
They both have very little air to breathe.
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. My friend's already on stage 4.
Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of working girls. Call girls. Hookers. Prostitutes. And the association is a long one, going back to the very earliest legends which place St. Nick as a Greek bishop in Myra, Lycia in what is now the Turkish Mediterranean - three centuries after Christ.
Saint Nicholas is notable primarily for giving secretly to the poor, and supposedly the first to benefit were three young ladies whose poor father couldn't afford wedding or dowry to marry them off - destining them instead to a life of prostitution. St. Nick supposedly threw a bag of gold through the window to pay for the wedding but, by the third attempt, the poor father was watching to determine the identity of the anonymous benefactor. Santa outsmarted him by dropping the last bag of coins down the chimney.
So, whenever you see Santa, he always travels with his three favourite sex workers - who seemingly never grow old. On a quiet, still Christmas night you can even hear him call them.
Ho! Ho! Ho! And to all a good night.
Q. What do you call a prostitute who asks too many questions?
A. An intrusive thot.
"Sir, we noticed a 2-year gap in your resume."
"That was when I went to Yale."
"A Yale man? Well, you're hired!"
"Thanks! I really need this yob!"
Why is there a big old gay parade on one of the first days of summer?
Pride always cometh before the fall.
What's the worst thing to hear in a prison shower?
"Drop the soap, we've got you surrounded."
I donated blood today. In the future, I will try to remember that I'm supposed to donate my blood only.
Ever since convicted New York State felon Donald John Trump has taken office, the Canada-US border has been a mess of tariffs, counter-tariffs and boycotts.
And where does it end? I just got served a salad with 500 Islands in the dressing instead of a thousand. The price was the same.
I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. The doctor says my days are numbered.
Now I'm terrified of airports.
I don't joke about vegans. That would be tasteless...
I have no beef with them.
When you're sad, don't feel down about yourself. Break a leg, and you'll forget all about it.
What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?
A dictator.
Why was the gay boy fired from the sperm bank?
He was caught embezzling.
What's a cancer patient's favorite food?
Kentucky Fried Chemotherapy
How do fat people settle arguments?
By bumping into each other to see who falls over first.
What is the best way to deal with bullies?
You shoot them.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"
The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."
The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"
The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"