I spy with my little eye nothing because I only have two normal sized eyes.
Why should you wary of stairs? – Because they are always up to something.
What’s the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, “Sign here please.”
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “What are you going to do now?”
God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? - Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?
Because there were too many knights.
I’m so gay I could barely think straight.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? Must be more than 13, because my basement is still dark
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Why has Stephen hawking’s stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”
What’s the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody’s looking, you slip in the disabled one