Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says “what about the children” the rabbi says “f... the children” and the Priest says "do you think we’ll have time
How did Helen keller’s mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.
Kid: “I wish I could be like Batman!”
Genie: “Wish granted!”
When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.
An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”
What’s a similarity between your best friend and a tree? They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.
My favorite quote will always be, “Sketchy candy is better than no candy”