Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either really terrible news or really great news.

A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says “what about the children” the rabbi says “f... the children” and the Priest says "do you think we’ll have time

How did Helen keller’s mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

The windows xp log out sound

What do you call a group of emos?

Suicide Squad.

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

Kid: “I wish I could be like Batman!”

Genie: “Wish granted!”

When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia

“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Dark humor is a lot like food.

Not everyone gets it.

When you send nudes to your roblox gf and your uncle’s phone sounds with a text tone…

What does PEMDAS stand for?

Please End My Depression And Suffering

What’s a similarity between your best friend and a tree? They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.

My favorite quote will always be, “Sketchy candy is better than no candy”

• One of the thousands of missing children

I saw an Isis video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, “soon, my brother.”