If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and and everything was half off. I didn’t know back to school sales had started already
Woman: Doctor, where are we going? Doctor: To the morgue. Woman: I’m not dead yet, doctor. Doctor: We’re not at morgue yet, either
My teacher gave us an assignment and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I answered “Happy”. The teacher said I didn’t understand the test, I said to her that she didn’t understand life
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself…
Where the f*ck is my roof?