An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”

The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”

The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”

The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? – He took a day off.

What pool never runs dry? The one on the Titanic.

Why is Black Panther every cops worst nightmare?

He is a bulletproof black man

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… But I laugh more.

My ceiling isn’t the best… But it’s up there!!!

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. – I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What do you call shaving a crazy sheep? – Shear madness.

A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile.

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except Abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

What do you call a dead fly? – A flew.

Why can’t blind people eat fish?

Because it’s sea food.

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Where did the cat go when it lost it’s tail? – To the retail store!

What’s the difference between a baby and a baked potato?

About 140 calories.

Why did the coffee file a police report? – Because it was mugged.

Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were too many knights.