My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says “what about the children” the rabbi says “f... the children” and the Priest says "do you think we’ll have time

Where does a girl with one leg work? IHOP.

When you going 80 mph and hit a speed bump Then the speed bump starts screaming

I believe “Self-Babtism” is a nice way of saying “Failed Suicide Attempt”

Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words.

His response was “Ho ho ho”

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide, the librarian responds with ”f... off you won’t bring it back!”

Without women sex would be a pain in the ass

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia

Dark humor is a lot like food.

Not everyone gets it.

Why did Hitler commit suicide? He saw the gas bill.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them…

But I was just wondering… should I keep the letters?

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self raising

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself…

Where the f*ck is my roof?