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A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide, the librarian responds with ”f... off you won’t bring it back!”

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

“I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, ‘You’re next.’ So I started doing the same to them at funerals, ‘You’re next.’”

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

The windows xp log out sound

I saw an Isis video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, “soon, my brother.”

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia

What’s a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.

If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?

10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.

“I had a great day today.” “Why?” “Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, ‘Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?’”

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.

There’s no “I” in team but there is a “U” in cunt

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”

Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn’t all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.

Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

what has three balls and flys through space?

E.T. the extra testicle