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Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words.

His response was “Ho ho ho”

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism

How did Helen keller’s mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.

Dark humor is a lot like food.

Not everyone gets it.

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due his skill in disappearing.

I saw an Isis video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, “soon, my brother.”

Head of Company: We need to stop testing our products on animals. Consultant: Why? The shampoo companies do it. Head of Company: Yeah, but we make dildos.

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

The windows xp log out sound

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them…

But I was just wondering… should I keep the letters?

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide, the librarian responds with ”f... off you won’t bring it back!”

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Wanna hear some famous last words? “We are just experiencing some turbulence”

What does PEMDAS stand for?

Please End My Depression And Suffering

What does a wizard say when doing drugs? Injecto Patronum!