What does PEMDAS stand for?

Please End My Depression And Suffering

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”.

What was the last thing to run through osama bin ladens mind? Probably a bullet.

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

• Shoes on gravel
• Crackling of fire
• The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
• Cats purring

I believe “Self-Babtism” is a nice way of saying “Failed Suicide Attempt”

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

What’s a mexican’s favorite sport?

Cross-country

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question, can go home." A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?”

The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.” “Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”