A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “F... off, you won’t bring it back.”
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.
What’s the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, “Sign here please.”
My girlfriend treats me like God. – She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.
“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.
“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.
“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”
“No, son, I have a wife.”
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.