I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

Everywhere

Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: no one stands up Teacher: Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb. waves her finger around the left side of the room Little Johnny: stands up Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from

“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?” The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.” The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?” The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.” The third baby comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Daisy?” The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, “Huh Ruh Buh Duh!” The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock!”

Say what you want about Pedophiles but at least they drive slow through school zones

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children

Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school

Wife:Honey im pregnant

Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad

Wife:No you’re not

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”.