Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills candy But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jills real name is Randy

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

When someone calls you say this, Hi Welcome to Dave’s Orphanage, You make them We take them how may I help you! :)

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies

I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

Everywhere

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Chuck Norris once stepped on a Lego.

The Lego broke in half.

Why did i walk across the road?

to get hit by a car

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?” The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.” The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?” The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.” The third baby comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Daisy?” The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, “Huh Ruh Buh Duh!” The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock!”

“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. “next to mine” was not the answer i was expecting