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Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

Wife:Honey im pregnant

Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad

Wife:No you’re not

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question, can go home." A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?”

The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”

Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills candy But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jills real name is Randy

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

Everywhere

Why are orphans bad at poker?

They don’t know what a full house is.

When you going 80 mph and hit a speed bump Then the speed bump starts screaming

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied:

“Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What do emos and apples have in common?

They both hang on trees.

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?” The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.” The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?” The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.” The third baby comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Daisy?” The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, “Huh Ruh Buh Duh!” The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock!”

Say what you want about Pedophiles but at least they drive slow through school zones