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How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from

“I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, ‘You’re next.’ So I started doing the same to them at funerals, ‘You’re next.’”

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills candy But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jills real name is Randy

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies

I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage

When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the f...ing autopsy!”

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.

Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?

A: Your math homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and 2 hours later he’s still trying to back out of the driveway.

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: “Give me your money.” The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: “But, wait! You can’t do that, I am a Congressman!” The thief replies: “Oh, sorry. Give me MY money.”

One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.” They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”

Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children’s ward

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question, can go home." A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?”

The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.