What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don’t know. He hasn’t opened it yet.

How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? - In case he got a hole in one.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? – One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

How do you make holy water?

You take normal water, and boil the hell out of it.

I spy with my little eye nothing because I only have two normal sized eyes.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? – “Are you having a crisis?”

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. – I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What’s better than winning gold at the Paralympics?

Having legs.

Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He couldn’t see that well.

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”

What does one math book say to the other? – “Don’t bother me. I’ve got my own problems!”

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? – Because the octopus was well armed.

Why should you wary of stairs? – Because they are always up to something.

What’s the difference between hooker and a mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.