A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “F... off, you won’t bring it back.”

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.”

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don’t know. He hasn’t opened it yet.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide, but you can’t run.

What’s the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, “Sign here please.”

My girlfriend treats me like God. – She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.

“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.

“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.

“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”

“No, son, I have a wife.”

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water

Who else would think of adding gas

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.

How do you make an octopus laugh?

You give it ten-tickles.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.

What is Mozart doing right now? – Decomposing.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”

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