Worst Jokes Ever

The interviewer asked me if I had a criminal record when I was requesting Australian citizenship.

I replied, "No. Is that still required?"

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

Why doesn't Jesus participate in Battle Raps?

All his comebacks take three days..

I think one of my dads might be gay.

Why did Marxism never catch on in England?

Because then it would be impossible to get proper tea.

Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.

Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.

What's the difference between your mom and a laundromat washer?

The washer doesn't take loads for free.

What does the blind man say when he walks past the fish market?

"Hello, ladies!"

What did Cinderella say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."

What do women and a Happy Meal have in common?

They both come with a toy.

What happened to the frog that partied illegally?

He got TOAD away!

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A Democrat will keep screwing you when you run out of money.

Yo mama so fat...

...people in Florida start buying flood insurance when they see her waddling toward the ocean.

What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."

What did Michael Jackson say when dinner was ready? Ea-ea-eat.

I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.

I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.

I bought a coffin on Black Friday. It was a killer deal.