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So I hooked up with a girl at a party, but I forgot that it was a family reunion. (SWEET HOME ALABAMA STARTS PLAYING

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the f...ing autopsy!”

Kid: “I wish I could be like Batman!”

Genie: “Wish granted!”

When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.

How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?

Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?” The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.” The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?” The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.” The third baby comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Daisy?” The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, “Huh Ruh Buh Duh!” The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock!”

Say what you want about Pedophiles but at least they drive slow through school zones

Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

Everywhere

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children’s ward

If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?

10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school

“I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, ‘You’re next.’ So I started doing the same to them at funerals, ‘You’re next.’”

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.