How can you tell if your wife is dead? – The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, “Can I join you?”

Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you’re super annoying and won’t shut up.

Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. – I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

How can you tell when a cabbage is boiled? The wheelchair floats to the top

What’s red and bad for your teeth? – A brick.

I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records. – Then the librarian told me to take it out.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.

What is Mozart doing right now? – Decomposing.

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?

Because they don’t have balls.

When deaf people fight, they let their fists do the talking.

What concert costs 45 cents? – 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

What’s the best thing about 28 year old’s? -There’s 20 of them.

What’s better than winning gold at the Paralympics?

Having legs.