Wont jokes

Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.

A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”

if an emo doesn't get better by Christmas Santas reindeer won't be the only thing jumping off roofs this year

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Dad: "I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage."

Kid: "Why are you doing that?"

Dad: "So you won't get bored there."

I donated 100 dollars to a blind children’s charity. Too bad they won’t ever see a dime of it.

What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? A prostitute won't tell you that it is more blessed to give than it is to receive.

What is the difference between giving money to a church and giving money to the IRS?

If you stop giving money to a church, you won't go to prison.

Did you hear about the school shooting joke? Well, I won't tell you it's aimed at a younger audience.

I won't reply to every joke today because I want to say thanks to everyone for making funny jokes here. Every time I have a bad day (almost everyday), I always go here and read relatable jokes. It makes me happy and it's making me less anxious. I am really stressed with my school work and everything; I feel that I'm being left alone. Everyone compares me to others and all I can do is listen. I don't get enough sleep because of it... Reading these jokes entertains me and makes me laugh so hard.

I apologize for my grammar.

A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."

I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"

A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"

The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."

All these jokes are so offensive, Mr. Hawking just won’t stand for it.

How much of a homophobic heterosexual man are you? I'm so homophobic I won't suck a big dick that has ketchup on it.

Broccoli is like anal sex.

If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.

Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says: "Well...we're making you a brother." So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he's going to have a brother soon.

The next day when little Jonny's father comes home, Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what's wrong. Jonny cries: "I won't have a baby brother!" His father is confused. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Because the mailman came by today and ate him!"

Police: Where do you live?

Me: With my parents.

Police: Where do your parents live?

Me: With me.

Police: Where do you all live?

Me: Together.

Police: Where is your house?

Me: Next to my neighbor.

Police: Where is your neighbor’s house?

Me: If I tell you, you won't believe me.

Police: Tell me.

Me: Next to my house.

Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)