United Healthcare jokes

Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?

A: "It's me, Luigi!"

Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.

Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.

I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.

That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!

I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.

Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."

Me: spreading positivity.

Everyone else at the HIV testing center.

I'm a family doctor and I wish I could help but... you're an orphan.

Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.

Patient: It runs in the family.

Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.