United Healthcare jokes

Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?

A: "It's me, Luigi!"

Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.

Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.

I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.

That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!

I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.

Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.

How do you get Carrie Underwood to dehydrate fast?

Tell her that all the water supplies contain the COVID vaccine.

Me: spreading positivity.

Everyone else at the HIV testing center.

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

I don't need to go to the car dealership when I have a Geico scanner on my arm at all times. 😏

Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.

Patient: It runs in the family.

Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.