The jokes

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

What did the kid who has no arms get for Christmas?

He couldn't even open it.

One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately, it was light beer.

Why is 10 so sad? Because it was in the middle of 9/11.

Stephen Hawking isn't dead; his update is just laggy because he is too far from the WiFi box.

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

One of them gets picked.

Why didn't the cows eat the lemon grass?

It made sour milk.

Why did the condom cross the road?

Because he was pissed off.

Why did the orphan play GTA? Because he wanted to feel the wanted level.

A 28-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online.

For $300K, you can have the worst sex of your life.

When Ant-Man is the size of an atom, how can he breathe?

What happens if the dumbest person from Europe goes to the US?

The average IQ increases in both places.

What is the capital of Greece? -- About 10 dollars.

The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies.

They’re always so twisted!

What did one saggy boob say to the other?

"We better start getting some support around here, or people are gonna think we're nuts!"

The American Dream is real. It's just set and filmed in Toronto and not Texas.

What happens when a furry takes over Nazi Germany?

The Furred Reich.

Why isn’t the word “orphan” spelled with an “f” instead of “ph?” Because that “f” stands for “family,” and the word “orphan” doesn’t have a family.

I just got a job at the prison library.

It has its prose and cons.

Did you know that graveyards are the most popular place in the world?

Yeah, people are just DYING to get in there...