The jokes
What’s the relationship between a pedophile and a light bulb? They're both meant for dark rooms.
Donald Trump is still the president, even after the government has been shut down.
Do you guys know why women have small feet? It's because God created them to stand closer to the sink when they wash dishes.
Will: Let's bring Hannibal a gift today!
Beverly: Yeah, I bet he’d love that!
Will: Yey!
Beverly: What should we bring him?
Will: *holds up a bucket and knife with an insane looking smile* Come in the bucket!
What did the make-a-wish kid say when the Avengers turn up without Tony Stark?
"We are in the endgame now!"
Stephen Hawking said God isn’t real, and the Priest put a boot on his tire. 😂😂😂
What did the girl say to the white guy? “You have a peener wiener!”
When Stephen Hawking entered Heaven and met with the Lord, after a short interview God asked: "Hey Stephen, I need you to explain to me how does all this stuff work?"
Why did the chef cook his eggs on the golf course? Because he wanted them par-boiled!
What’s the difference between a Canadian and a unicorn?
Nothing, they’re both mythical creatures.
How did the blind girl get a date?
She said it was love at first sight.
One time in camp, I kissed my bunkmate Bret in the shower. He cupped my breasts and lathered them in Prell, but I'm totally not gay... :)
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain? He read the weather forecast, you fucking idiot!
Why is the iPhone 7 not a smartphone?
It doesn't know jack.
I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!
My friend wasn't laughing at my jokes, so I said, "Is your funny bone broken?" But he got mad, and then I said, "Do you have a bone to pick with me?" He tried to insult me, but I said, "Call me what you want, I got thick skin," and this story was down to the bone.
In light of Trump's slurring, staggering, and incoherence, I wondered if he should get checked for a brain tumor.
Then I realized how ridiculous that sounded.
A tumor can't grow in something that doesn't exist in the first place.
Three nuns went up to Mother Teresa and said, "Mother Teresa, we would not like to be nuns anymore." Mother Teresa said, "Okay, but first you have to do something unholy." So they leave and come back three days later. The first one says, "Mother Teresa, I did something unholy. I took a little kid's bike." Mother Teresa says, "Okay, drink from the holy water and you are free to go." The second nun walks up, upset, "I did something worse than her. I slept with a married man." The last nun walks up and says, "I did something worse than all of them." Mother Teresa says, "Oh god, oh gosh, what is it?" And the third nun says, "I peed in the holy water."
On Christmas, Mexicans wake up in the morning, then take a nap.
Joking, I know they work hard. They run all the way to the border to decorate the barbed wire.
I love it when cancer hits like a ton of bricks. The best part is when it kills people.