The jokes
Living in Houston, Texas, and realizing that hurricanes are an annual threat, my ex-wife called me and asked what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer? Take the 610 loop, dear!
So I went to the bank and a lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.
What do orphans do when they get a phone? They press the home button.
Who's the smallest wife??
Micro-wife.
What did the toilet paper say when he got stuck in a crack on the side walk?
"I got stuck in a butt crack!"
Memes
Why wasn’t the frog 🐸 crying?
Because he was hoppy.
My dad said he'd be back later after he walked out the door with a suitcase.
Who takes a suitcase to the grocery store? Silly daddy!
The king took a shit on the craps table at the casino.
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" and the man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon!"
Where do you think all the orphans went?
In the World Trade Center, I trapped them in so they can finally get to their parents.
Why do orphans get the small sized chip bags?
Because they don’t have a family to share it with. 😥
A Texan and an Alaskan walk in a room. The Alaskan says, "My state is bigger than yours." The Texan says, "It won't be when it melts!"
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids won't eat the broccoli.
I looked in the mirror.
We can nip March Madness in the bud, but only if we detect the warning signs of brooding, anti-social February Fever.
What do you call a train that stalls?
The little engine that couldn't!
What goes up but never past the digits 15?
A Make-A-Wish kid...
Where's the best place to spawn camp at the hospital?
The maternity ward.
What’s the difference between your mum and your nan?
Your nan's a GILF!
You really can't call Stalin bad, just think about the kids that depression.