The jokes
You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.
Did you hear about the deaf guy's STI?
He got hearing aids.
Why the hell would I go to a shooting range when I could go to school and do it for free?
How is [someone] blessed with a 9 inch dick?
That priest is in jail now. Shout out to the church!
What does Can do after eating its vegetables?
Go on eBay to see how much he can sell the wheelchair for.
How does the cop respond to being called racist?
He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."
Why did the emo kids stop going to their favorite tree?
It died before them.
Why don’t Indians play soccer?
Because every time they’re at the corner, they build a store.
I feel bad for the kids at Sandy Hook. All they wanted was books, but got magazines instead.
What did God say when he made the first black man?
"Crap, I burnt one!"
What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?
The sound when they hit the windshield.
What is the difference between a black man and Jew?
One was born burnt.
I call my penis the truth because the truth always comes out of children’s mouths.
Why couldn't the annoying dog get on Papyrus's nerves?
HE'S A SKELETON. HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY.
Wanted to go to the zoo, it was too packed, so I went to KFC instead. Their monkey enclosure is better anyway.
What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?
I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.
It's always the little things that make us laugh.
How many CIA agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
They don't need lightbulbs--they glow in the dark.
What does the SpongeBob intro and a pedophile have in common?
"Are you ready kids?"
Why did the cow want to be an astronaut?
Because it wanted to see the Milky Way!