The jokes
The interviewer asked me if I had a criminal record when I was requesting Australian citizenship.
I replied, "No. Is that still required?"
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the keyhole and you’ll see.
Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.
Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.
Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
The USA has school shootings. We Canadians have bus beheadings.
Q. What do you get when you cross Vince Li with a bus? A. A whole lot of people who wished they'd missed the bus that day.
What's the difference between your mom and a laundromat washer?
The washer doesn't take loads for free.
What does the blind man say when he walks past the fish market?
"Hello, ladies!"
Yo mama so fat...
...people in Florida start buying flood insurance when they see her waddling toward the ocean.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A Democrat will keep screwing you when you run out of money.
What happened to the frog that partied illegally?
He got TOAD away!
Roses are red, I need a broom, I just shit all over the bathroom.
I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."
I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.
What's the difference between a child and a cancer diagnosis? At least the cancer grows up and leaves eventually.
What's the difference between a joke and a tragedy? Timing.
My therapist said I have trouble letting go of the past. So I killed him.
I started a company making coffins. The slogan? 'We're dying to meet you.'
What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you run out of money.
"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."