That jokes

Kid: Aye, Mum, I'mma do something Dad could never do.

Mum: And that is?

*Kid walks out.*

*Kid comes back in with milk.*

Mum: I'mma beat ya ass!

God promised John that if he came in 1st, he would get an eternal life, but instead he came in 5th and got a kettle!

"Why is it that orphans only play tennis?""That's the only love they can get..."

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    • My wife and I have reached the decision that we do not want children.

    If anyone does, please comment your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

    Before Marriage Boy: At last, I can hardly wait! Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: No, don't even think about it! Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course, always! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: No, why are you asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get! Girl: Will you slap me? Boy: Hell nah, you crazy!! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yeah girl! Girl: Oh Honeyyy😍

    After Marriage Now, read that from the bottom to the top.

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    • Two guys were on a hunting trip, and after the first day of hunting, they didn’t see anything, so they decided the next day they would split up and meet back at the fire at dinner time.

    After a day of hunting, they meet back at the fire, and one hunter asked the other, “How did your day go?”

    The one hunter said, “I had the best day ever! I went down the hill and hunted by the train tracks and saw the hottest chick ever. We had sex for hours in every position you could think of.”

    Then the other hunter asked him, “Was she a good lookin’ blond?” And he said, “Oh, I don’t know, I didn’t find her head.”

    Daughter: So, I got my period.

    Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!

    Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?

    Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.

    Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)

    Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)

    There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.

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    • What do you call a pillow that has been on the bed for 20 years in jail?

    A criminal! 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃

    A man was asked by his 21 years old daughter, "Dad, how do you give a blowjob to a man that has a big dick?"

    Her father replied, "Honey, you should have watched me last night. It was inside my mouth. Does it cycle now?"

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    • I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.

    My woman told me that she wants to have sex with me, and I said, "Let's go at it." She said, "Shut up and kiss me on all my pillows."

    We were so poor that every time I passed by a butcher shop, I thought there had been a horrible accident.

    Bully: You're so short you hand-glide on a chip.

    Short person: Well, at least I don’t look like a giraffe that just came out of an oven!

    Someone telling a joke:

    Boy: "My parents are dead."

    Girl: "My grandad is too."

    Orphan who listened to it: "That joke is dead!"

    Person who told the joke: "So is your family!"

    GF: Laying down.

    BF: GROANING

    GF: Are you good at aiming and shooting?

    BF: Yeah, why?

    GF: Shoot that did in there.

    BF: Mmmhuugh

    Trump goes to a bar and sees Hillary Clinton. He goes up to her and says, "Buy me a drink." She replies angrily, "Get your own drinks. What kind of a man asks a woman to buy him a drink?" Trump responds, "The kind that will grab you by the p***y."

    A hitman walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'm here to assassinate John Tucker." The bartender replies, "He’s in the restroom." The hitman goes inside the restroom and comes out after 1 hour.

    The bartender asks him, "Did you kill him?" The hitman replies with a sad face, “I asked him any last wishes and the guy asked me to allow him to finish his shit as he is half way in passing his stools, so I gave him my word that I would wait and so I waited for an hour, and when I asked him what’s taking him so long, he says he will not be able to finish because he is just getting started.”