System

System jokes

Adrenaline

    • My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.

    The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.

    With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.

  • 4

    • Lawyer

    • A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

  • 4

    • Puberty

    • God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.

    Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.

    God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.

    Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!

    God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)

    Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)

    God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!

    God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........

    God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.

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