Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollars at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. WHEN I GO OUTSIDE TOMORROW THERE BETTER BE SOMETHING THAT GOES FROM 0 to 200 IN 6 SECONDS". Bill Says, "Ok". The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it..It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.
So this one time i saw Sally trying to get up after she fell off the swing, and i helped her up and she said ''Thank you '' and i said your welcome. The next day i saw her legs and someone said '' I would not do that'' and i said '' Whatever'' i tapped sally and the top halve fell I said ''WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY. And someone said she went in a mine field.
Me:hey I’m your mom orphan:yay you came back me:sike
its not surprising there inst a whole lot of good tree jokes. most foresters have a wooden personality
me: "you wanna see my dad" some kid: "yeah?" me: "close your eyes and he will appear" some kid: "he ain't appearing" me: "sorry i thought he would appear for you. he won't appear for me" *the kid laughs"
moral: not everything is supposed to be funny text if you notice what was really going on 🙃
I told my mother i wanted a brother for Christmas The next day i saw her in the strip club across the street
knock knock! is that daddy No but im about to be so get on your knees
I saw this really old guy with the Hitler stache, so I decided to start beating him up. It was very weird when a camera crew came out with Harrison Ford and started yelling at me.
Wow, Heavens alot hotter than I thought it'd be.
What does a cannibal call a pregnant person?
A kinder surprise
Tomorrow is Christmas and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (yes this was inspired by a Fallout boy song)
I don't understand why people hide under there blankets it's not like the killers gonna be like, I'm gonna kill-....ahh man he's under his blanket
When your mom comes in at night then sees your... Sleeping, but sees something moving so she gets a chair and wacks it then she says" I thought it was a mouse 🐁"
An old man saw the TikTok trend of people throwing it back the old man wanted to do it with his wife the man set up everything needed a did the video I threw it back first then his wife bust instead of an old lady it was ashes
Kidnapping is just surprise adoption.
One day 2 Chinese with broken English go to America. When they arrive they go to a small place to eat. When they look at the menu they see "hot dog" but since there English is bad, they think its literally a roasted dog and order it. When it comes back there both surprised and one of them ask "What part of the dog did you get."
When I say daddy my step brother raise his head
What does a freshly pregnant teen and her baby share?
They both think "Mom's probably going to kill me"
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
So one day I was walking home from school with my best friend sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that bob the class rep got her pregnant a eight months ago and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said “sally it’ll be ok I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson” “yeah thanks suzy” she said to me then went into her house. The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school so I was like oh she must be in trouble with her mom I’ll go check on her So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands “oh hello. Is that Sally’s son!! Can I see sally?” Her mom says sure and I go inside but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone “here lies sally 2004-2020” so I ask her mom in tears “oh did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied “you could say that..”
