Suicide attempt jokes

Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord, I kept ALMOST dying.

I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again. I almost killed myself.

When the emo kid is about to hang himself in the school bathroom, and the autistic kid starts swinging the rope like Indiana Jones!

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."

There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

Jason: Did you hear about the storm-trooper who attempted suicide?

Dave: No.

Jason: Well, he hit his first target.