Spouse jokes
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
I hate my wife.
*cue laugh*
Wife: Honey! Do you like tea?
Husband: No, I like after "T"!
It means: the letter "U": you!
My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.
I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"
I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"
Who's the smallest wife??
Micro-wife.
Have you ever heard of Jane Doe? Well, her husband's name is Dill, so I guess that makes him a dildo!
Did you hear about the Scottish man who murdered his wife?
He totally kilt her.
I had a boyfriend once. He broke up with me because he "wanted to be more alive." I guess it didn't work when he went to my basement.
A pregnant woman enters the hospital with her concerned husband. As she goes into labor, a group of doctors asked him if he would like to try a device that transfers your spouse's pain to the father's nervous system.
He agrees and the doctors turn the dial on the device to 10%. Strangely, the man felt little pain. They continued to adjust the dial until it stopped at 100%, yet the man felt nothing. Later on, the wife had delivered the baby and the pair left the hospital with a healthy baby only to find the milkman laying on their stairs with a puddle of blood around his head, shaking uncontrollably.
What’d the fox say when he was asked to describe his wife?
“Hottie hottie hottie hoe!”
My wife's dyslexic, but hey, nobody's perfect.
You want to hear some marriage jokes?
Don't worry, it's just a couple.
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
How to know if your wife is dead? Well, the sex is still trash, but the dishes really start to pile up.
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."