Short jokes
Some of the best comedians mimic people. I mimic my shadow.
Play dead, they said.
Wasn't too hard.
I've been dead inside for years.
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I'll just hang around.
Viagra is a lot like amusement parks...
It's a one hour wait, for a two-minute ride.
Why did Grampa pass out? Because of diabetes.
What song did Whitney Houston listen to while doing cocaine?
"Run It!" by Chris Brown.
What is the definition of confusion?
Three blind lesbians in a fish market.
How do you blind an Irish woman?
You put a bottle of Scotch in front of her.
Joe mama so fat when she got sturdy, she tripped on her shoelaces, fell on her face, and fell down 2 floors.
Yo mama so fat, she eats with three utensils: a knife, spoon, and a forklift.
Me: My grandpa killed 100 nazis in WWII.
My Friend: Well my grandpa killed Hitler.
Me: *Realizes*
What do you call a prostitute weed dealer?
A pot-hole.
You could say Kobe's career went up in smoke.
Uma Thurman's optometrist must have wide glasses sometimes.
How do s’mores communicate?
On Insta-graham.
I once had a pet snake, exactly 3.14 meters.
He was a great πthon.
Why is the U.S. so mad about the Twin Towers? It was an accident. The pilots were new.
Your hairline is so bad, it's not even McDonald's, it's Dixy Chicken!
My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.
New teacher: "I was an orphan when I was young."
Student: "But!"
Teacher: "Is something missing?"
Student: "Your parents!"