Man

Anonymous

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Wife

Artemas

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".

The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”

Poor

wetnightmare

My mother wanted to test my responsibility and wanted me to cook dinner for the family to help mean understand how it feels to constantly cook for a whole family. So me with my horrible humor decided to make a giant joke for when dinner time came around and so I just got four plates and set them in front of my family and I then said, “Here you are a fine African meal.” then everybody looked at me in disappointment and then I continued to say, “what poor taste?”

Car

THE FUNNY DUDE

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

Try

ZestyN

I’m trying to come up with a set-up for an amputee joke, but I’m stumped

Wife

P.... Jokes 101 v2

A wife and husband was setting up their computer and the husband makes the password my dick, but the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

Man

It's me Funny but sad.

Give a man a match he’ll be warm for a while but set a man on fire, he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Die

Steven

Stephen Hawkings just died. Have they tried rebooting him to factory settings?

Fire

Anonymous

How do you make a cat go “woof”? … douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! “woof!”

Orphan

Anonymous

(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes)

  1. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick

  2. I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.

  3. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.

4.Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.

  1. Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.

  2. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

  3. I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

  4. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Fire

Anonymous

Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exersice. They got up into the air and Jim said, “okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want.” Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, “I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire.” Allyn said “what?” As he looked over at Jim.

Puns

Anonymous

why does a movie set say break a leg? because they have a CAST

Magic

anonamoose

how do you start a dance party? go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold

Fire

Toby

I love fire. My friends love it too. When i set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.

Fire

bigpapi

What did the 1.8 nanosecond old baby get for his birthday?

Nailed to a puppy falling on a buzz saw being crushed in a hydraulic press while being set on fire.

Difference

SEX

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, “I’ll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, ‘I don’t know how you can make love to me with your type of body.’ So I asked her, ‘How about a little head?’”

Other jokes:

  1. Why did the ketchup blush? He saw the salad dressing.

  2. What did the elephant ask the naked man? How do you breathe out of that thing?

  3. How do you make your husband scream during sex? Call him and let him hear it.

  4. Why does the mermaid wear seashells? She outgrew her b-shells!

  5. How is life like toilet paper? You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

  6. What does one boob say to the other boob? If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.

  7. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A man will actually search for a golf ball.

  8. What did Cinderella do when she arrived at the ball? She gagged.

Man

Anonymous

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about making a horrible sound. The bartender says “Hey, looks like he can’t play that!”, and the octopus says, “Play it? As soon as I get it’s pajamas off, I’m gonna fuck it!”

Wife

Anonymous

My wife wanted a present that could go from Zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

Life

Anonymous

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, “I’ll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, ‘I don’t know how you can make love to me with your type of body.’ So I asked her, ‘How about a little head?’”

Hell

MUMPHLR FUMPERDINK

how to make holy water 1-grab a pot 2-put water in it 3-set the stove to 420 degrees 4-boil the hell out of it

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