Self-will jokes

I made this one up myself just now.

Stephen Hawking would be a good pilot because the aircraft would be the first to take off and land in autopilot.

Why did the orphan kill himself?

I asked my phone why I couldn't get a date.

It showed a picture of myself.

All I wanna do is *gunshots* *gunshots* *gunshots* and *click* *cash register noise*, unlearn years of trauma and maintain healthy habits and fulfilling relationships while learning how to have solid boundaries and a whole sense of self.

🥫Wewo wewo, stop right now or we will be forced to stop your self.

No, not like you can ketchup!

Know the nuclear bombs of the world.

🇷🇺🧨 a “bad” bomb

🇨🇳🧨 “ww3”

🇬🇧🧨 a “good” bomb

🇺🇸🧨 Japanese area testing

🇮🇱🧨 what bomb

🇮🇷🧨 just self defence

I can make a living with the "Treat Yo self" budget.

Yet I can’t use the "Help yo self" budget.

Why can’t Sally hang herself?

She does not have arms.

A guy once went hunting at a Hunting Ranch owned by a Hunter and his Wife. After a long day of hunting, the hunter enjoys a couple of cold ones in Rancher’s Living-room. There they were having a grand ole time until the Rancher’s wife walks in. The Hunter looks at her and says “that’s a nice piece of ass you got your self there.” The Rancher replied “(with a harsh southern accent from years of cigarette smoke) You’ve never been so right in your life, honey why don’t show our guest your tits.” She agrees and then shows the hunter her plump DD cup breast. After he gets a good gander he says “Nice.” Then Rancher shouted “show em yer peker now Hon.” She agreed and whipped out a 13inch Johny, and twirled it around like how an Elephant would move his. Now dazed and confused the Hunter yells out “What in Sam Hill is that!!” and the Rancher replied “Now....Lemme tell you..There ain’t a thing like it”.

She a hoe, she shit on herself.

What do you call an orphan's family photo?

A self-portrait.

What type of flower do you give an orphan?

A self-raising [flour].

Yo mama so fat, she's bigger than the universe itself!

I killed myself, then woke up.

Don’t cut yourself up about it.

Yourself.

I hated getting bullied in school because I could never stand up for myself.

Am I the only one here that actually tried to kill myself 15 times and failed every time and landed up in the hospital every time?

Why can’t orphans have a house pet?

Because its parents have it to itself.

There is this fish, and this fish thinks if that fly drops 6 inches, I’m gonna jump out the water and eat that fucking fish!

Then there is a bear, he thinks if that fly drops six inches, that fish jumps up - I’m gonna run out there and eat that fucking fish!

This huntsman also thinks to himself 🧐 if that fly drops six inches, fish jumps up, bear runs out, eats the fish. I’m gonna shoot that fucking bear.

Unbelievably there is a tiny little brave mouse, who also thinks to himself 🧐 if that fly drops six inches, fish jumps, bear runs, huntsman shoots,

He’s bound to drop that cheese sandwich in his back pocket!!!!

I’m gonna eat that fucking cheese sandwich!!

Meanwhile...

there’s This cat!!!’ He sees what’s going on - if they fly drops six inches -the fish =bear =huntsman =mouse eating the cheese sarnie....

Easy pickings...

Anyway bang 💥 the fly drops six inches. Fish jumps up. Bear grabs the fish. Huntsman shoots the fucking bear,

DROPS HIS CHEESE SARNIE!!

Cat runs after mouse trying to get the cheese sarnie

The cat slips over him (stacks it) cat falls in the river...

LONG STORY I KNOW BUT THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS...

every time a fly drops six inches a pussy get wet)

WALLOP... try remembering all that in A pub pissed. Xx