Retaliation jokes

A girl called me ugly.

So I drove over her with a car and called her flat.

They laughed at my drawing, so I laughed at their chalk outline.

What's the best comeback for a person calling you an orphan?

Kill their parents.

My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

If somebody gives you lemons, cut them in half and do the juice in his eyes.

A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.

He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there's a knock at the door.

He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says, "What was that all about?"

This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance, and I'm tired of it.

Today, I push him out of his wheelchair.

A wise man once told me: "If you poke the bear in prison, the bear will happily return the favor when it's time to shower."

So, I had an orphan friend, and he asked me, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, I just wanted to remind you." Then I asked, "How are your parents?" After that, I never saw him again.

If you're ever angry, go ahead and punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."

Don't make fun of the emo kid, or he's gonna bring his friends and you gotta fight the Suicide Squad.

If you are ever mad, punch an orphan.

What are they going to do? Tell their parents?

I got a roommate. He killed a butterfly, and I said no butter for a week. The next day, he killed a cockroach. Son of a bitch, nice try.

Little William punched Little Johnny in the face. Then Little Johnny says, "If you do that again, I'm gonna turn your fucking nuts into coconut juice."

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

So I laughed at their chalk outline.

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.

My therapist said: "Time heals all wounds."

I shot her, now we wait.

What does a Hufflepuff wolf say? “I will huffle and puff, and blow your house down!”

That is related to Harry Potter 🧙🏼‍♂️.

An autistic kid hit me, so I kicked him back and he died.