Religious jokes
What Disney movie does the church make little girls watch?
Snow White and the Seven Deadly Sins.
What do you call a Muslim who drinks, smokes, and fools around with other women?
Turkish.
What's the difference between a priest and a rabbi? A rabbi cuts it off, a priest sucks it off.
My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.
What do you call a religious drug addict?
A crystal methodist.
Why did the orphan go to church?
To hear some "foster" parenting advice.
What's your religion?
No one:
Nothing:
Not a single f***ing soul:
Spanish Empire: DING DONG YOUR RELIGION IS WRONG!
I’m not religious, but you’re the answer to all of my prayers.
HELP! I MIGHT BE A RELIGIOUS EXTREMIST BECAUSE MY RHYMES ARE DA BOMB.
"The rise of atheism is going to lead to a break down of social morals and lead to all kinds of filth, including an increase in child abuse," said the village priest.
The village scientists did some fact checking. In prison, they found roughly 70% of child abusers were hyper religious before committing the crimes, and another 20% converted to religions to look 'remorseful'. The remaining 10% preferred not to say. They presented the findings to the media.
"Scientists slander good religious folk and ignore the weight of evidence!"
"Is Science biased against religion? You decide in this survey," they reported.
The village priest is living at his majesty's convenience and tells the others he committed armed robbery.
"Why is this a joke? It's not even funny!" said the person reading this, breaking the forth wall.
What is funny is you got to the end of this post and didn't cringe. Why not?
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
The Christian, the Buddhist, and the Muslim each go on a separate plane.
The Christian's and the Buddhist's flight goes well, but the Muslim's plane has a problem and crashes into two towers.
Why can't religious women be raped? Because they are taught to never say no!
God = what I hope to be.
Devil = what I can't accept.
I hope to be like Jesus, a dead martyr. I can't accept that my religion is evil.
A 17 year old pregnant Juanita flew all the way to NY from TX to get an abortion. Initially, she was denied the procedure because she wasn't COVID boosted, but after she explained the father was religious and wanted to be involved, they quickly resolved the threat.
I don't get it.
Orphans are very religious, well mostly. Statistics say that roughly 2/3 of the orphan population go to church. I mean it's the only place they can call someone "father".
What’s the difference between a priest and target?
Nothing, they both have children’s pants half off.
A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said, "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there," the boy replied.
The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked, "Do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" The boy replied, "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing," said the pharmacist.
That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. The girl's father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "You never told me that you were so religious." The boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist."