I was raised a Catholic and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate".
I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"
A priest, a rapist, a pedophile and a homosexual walk into a bar...
He orders a drink.
What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats? -- A pimp.
I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard she turned Christian.
How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says. -- Which makes me an eighth theist.
What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? -- American teenage girls get stoned *before* they have sex.
Where did Noah keep his bees? -- In the ark hives.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.
Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms? - Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.
What is Jesus' favorite gun?
A nail gun.
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage.
Lettuce pray.
Why doesn't Jesus buy beer?
Hebrews.
How did Jesus like his chicken?
Crucifried
What's the most fun a monk can have?
Nun.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic.
