After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.
It's in my basement.
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
What do people use more than you that is yours?
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
(To a thief) If you like taking things, hbu take my life.
What starts with a P and ends in S? (hint: men have it and women want it). Pockets.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
What is a reverse exorcism?
It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the childs body.
If I had 10 dino nuggies and Jamal tried to take one, I would have ten dino nuggies and Jamal's head.
Have you heard of the new sequel to "The Exorcist"?
A woman hires the devil to get a priest out of her son.
I stole one's balls.
There once was a boy named Sammy who loved this girl beyond belief. Her name was Rayne, but she didn’t notice him and or talk to him, but one day she did and they ended up liking each other and getting married and living happily... wait, no, that’s not right.
Sammy actually snuck into Rayne’s house one day and kidnapped her and locked her in his basement and made her into a puppet so he could keep her forever and ever. The End.
What’s the opposite of an exorcism?
It’s when Satan has to tell the priest to come out of the child.
Do you know what a reverse exorcism is?
It's when the demon tells the priest to exit the child's body
While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.
Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!
Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.
You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.
What's the difference between a sack of dead babies and a Mercedes?
I don’t have a Mercedes.
What’s the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
What is a reverse exorcism? It is when the Devil tries to pull a priest out of a child.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.
If Carlos and Jose took a brownie from me and I had 10 to start, what do I have?
Answer: A math problem.
