Almond jokes

What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?

Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.

I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that’s just nuts.

Don’t panic! Stay c-almond collected.

I want an almond-flavored biscuit.

I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder milk.

Thing 1: What's the difference between nuts and almonds?

Thing 2: I don't know, what?

Thing 1: One gets hard faster.

In English class, the teacher says, "Kids, you need to say the alphabet. Okay, Sally, you first." Sally says, "Okay, a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z." The teacher says, "Good job, Sally." Then the teacher called on four other students who got it right. Then the teacher called on Little Johnny. The teacher says, "Little Johnny, say the alphabet." Little Johnny says, "b c e f g h i j k l m n o p s v w x y z." The teacher says, "No, Johnny, that's not right." Johnny says, "Oh, I forgot, u r a q t." The teacher says, "No, still not right, and thank you." Johnny says, "Oh, I’ll give you the d later." The class laughs and the teacher says, "Go to the office now."

Nazis have marched in Melbourne. Are you sure Eric Clapton and Carrie Underwood are not touring in Australia?

Say this out loud: Alpha Kenny One.

My dad went out for milk. It's been 15 years and I still have to eat my cereal dry.