Out jokes
Just all us depressed people joking about our depressed lives, we should hang out sometime.
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.
Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?
Friend: Yeah, sure.
Me: *pulls out gun*
Memes
The most confusing day of my life was when I found out my toaster was waterproof.
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
How many times can 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?
When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.
I hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though I think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldn't wanna hurt your funny bone, but I think your starting to get BONELY so I'll stop pulling your leg. Now get out before I give you a bad time.
How do you pet a psychopath's cat?
You get it out of the microwave.
What is a reverse exorcism? It is when the Devil tries to pull a priest out of a child.
What story does an orphan always get kicked out of? Home Depot.
The teacher told me to put my MP3 away, so I brought out my MP5. Now that bitch knows what not to tell me.
9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
So, I just got kicked out of the orphanage library for putting a book about parents in the fiction section.
One man's trash is another man's treasure... Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted.
Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”
Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”
How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?
You untie the rope.