No jokes

Shit! My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs! I've been his customer for 4 years, but I had no idea he was a barber.

There's something on your chin. No, not that one, the third row.

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Super Power Beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? I doubt it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, and lands with no damage whatsoever. He walks back into the bar.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Let me have some!” The man grabs the beer. He drinks it, jumps off the roof — and falls 15 stories to the ground.

Splat.

The barman says. “You know, you’re a real idiot when you’re drunk, Superman.”

"'There is no God.' - Stephen Hawking (2011)

'There is no Stephen Hawking.' - God (2018)"

At baseball practice...

"Hey John, did you bring the bucket of balls?"

"No, but I got two right here."

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves........ just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.

Son: Dad, Dad, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!

Dad: What's wrong? Are you OK?!

Son: Mia asked me out on a date on February 30th!

Dad: 'Cause there's no February 30th?

Me: Have you ever tried African food?

You: No.

Me: They haven't either.

Why can't religious women be raped? Because they are taught to never say no!

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?

Because she was stuffed.

A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"

The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."

Teacher: Why did the skeleton know the weather outside?

Student: 'Cause he could feel it in his bones.

Teacher: No, he read the weather report, you fucking idiot.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.

Why can't orphans be gay?

Because they have no one they can call "daddy."

Have you ever walked past Steven Hawking's house?

No, neither has he.

Everyone laughs when a bully teases someone, but no one laughs when that person commits suicide.

What do you call a fish with no eye?

Fsh.

Ever tried Ethiopian food? No? Neither have they.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

Sex is like math.

Subtract the clothes, add the bed, divide the legs, and pray to God there is no multiplying.