Negligence jokes

My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.

I was visiting an orphanage and started to pull in close to the building. My car hit 3 speed bumps, and it caught me off guard. I got out of my car, looked under my tire, and saw three orphans wedged in my tire. I started to get worried, but then I thought to myself... nobody will miss them.

If an orphan wants food, who does it? No one. Everybody just watches him starve because they couldn't find his parents.

What sound does a baby make when you put it in a blender? I don’t know. I was too busy wanking.

Yesterday I had a party in my basement.

I got questioned a lot about 5 dead kids in the corner shut in a box. I did that when I was 13, damn I forgot about them!

Wanna know what my favorite feeling is? Warmth. Fuck, I left the oven on!

One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles.

The cops arrived and arrested the woman for killing her cheating husband, and the son was sent to child services. (Moral - no one cares about the frkn snail and turtles!)

What do you take care of after a car crash?

The witnesses.

What's a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

My blind friend is so annoying, he kept bumping into things even though I repeatedly told him to look where he was going.